Evolution of the Beast|
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|Wednesday, May 28th, 2014|
|Re: Personal Demons
Captain's Log: Stardate 14053. 27:
I am not sure if I have named this entry corrently. I know I have a lot of personal demons, but it seems, as of late, they just seem to be getting stronger and stronger and I cannot figure out a way to beat them.
Besides all the recent happenings in my life, Heather went ahead and escalted it to another level. I knew she could be over bearing, and a blow hard just like Al, but her recent news and the way she has been acting is reprehensible. She had the family over to house for Easter dinner. She had the perfect environment for her big announcement that come December she is going to be a mother ~rolls eyes~ Then, since I stayed home Dad brought home one of those colored plastic easter eggs and I thought there may have been a sugar free chocolate inside, I was wrong. It was a scrolled up, fortune-type message that said, "congratulations you have been upgraded to Uncle." I am sorry, but I find nothing appealing about being any one's relation to that ball of unholy hell. Granted I do not know how it is going to be raised or anything, but if it is anything like the way I grew up I can only imagine the torture. I do not know if the kid would like it or not, but I hated, no in fact I despised hearing all the "great" stories of the family that were embellished beyond belief because that is what my dad, and now my sister will do beyond belief. Or if she cannot remember some part of the story, I am sure she will come to Al fo references and he goes over the top on embellishments and his family. If there were every stories to be called whoppers, his are defintely at the top. Making his family seem like they are these great mythic people that only history and folk talkes can remember correctly. Please if I want myths or legends I will stick with stories of the Olympians, Norse, Egyptians, or any other culture with ripe, rich stories that sound more beleivable than the trash that comes out of Al's or Heather's mouth.
Forward to Mother's Day. I do not normally go out with them, but I figured what the hell? So we all went to a place in Cranston in Rolfe Square, and Ryan and his lack luster fiancee, would not be there, so I thought it would be all good. I could have a quiet, peaceful breakfast as Dad and Heather just blew hot here (their specialty.) However, as I am sitting there eating my little fruit salad bowl, Heather turns it into all about her becoming a mother and she would not shut the hell up. Instead of causing a scene, I asked Al for the car keys, and walked out to the car and waited for him there until that travesty was over. I went because Carla and my grandmother would be there, but when she made all about her, I decided to just wash my hands of it. I have decided I will never ever do something, even if it is a nice thing to do, with any of my family espcially where Heather and Al are concerned again.
How is it that all things are going right for people I do not think should have it right, just yet, but me...I am still struggling. The job market is tanked, or fixed or something along those lines and no one has figured out a way to fix it yet, and I am not sure they will. Damn it, I want to know when it will be my turn to suceed. I am sorry that sounds selfish, but everyone has their day in the sun, why the heck can I not have mine and finally be happy. That is all I want, or wanted to find my place in this world, become accepted by it, and then just continue on the path that was laid out for me. I cannot even get a frakking "life path" road map or GPS to help me navigate my way down the long and winding road.
As I sit here day in and day out trying my damndest to apply for every job that comes through my email, whether I am qualified or do not have te qualifications quite yet, I send out my resume and cover letter carefully mentioning why i think I would be a good fit for the company I am applying to. There has even been days where as soon as I send out my resume and cover letter, I get one back not even five seconds later that says I am not qualified, but they will "keep my resume on file for six months to a year, but we encourage to continue trying" BS that I always seem to get from company's. I cannot seem to get it right any more, not that I had it right in th first place, but I think I may have been right some times and that is all I can ever hope for. When all my life I have been told I am never right, in the little instances where I know for a fact I am right, I take, or took great pride in.
I think I am a good guy. I do what I can and I think before I act this way I make informed decisions, or as informed as I can get to make the right choice, but maybe all this time I was wrong. I have no clue what I am doing, or who to be, or how to be whatever it the hell I am supposed to be in this life. I may have done something wrong in a previous life for all I know, but something I cannot remember and I am getting punished for it now! Talk about great timing for karma from all my lives to catch up with me. I am a fool.
Also as I sit here, I have all these thoughts going through my head, reading me the riot act on all of my could have and should have's bringing to me visions of what I missed and what I missed out on because I am the way that I am. These thoughts keep provoking and tearing me down, so much so that I am to depressed to fight any more. Yes, I do and have had major bouts of depression, which I think I have successfully come back from, some what but for some reason it feels like I am in the ring with Ali, Frazer, or Tyson getting my ass handed to me every damn day. I just do not want to get up any more, I am tired of fighting. I think in all actuality I have lost my will to fight against all these hurdles life keeps throwing my way. Even now the thoughts are working their way back through my head yelling at me, cursing me because I did not realize, when I was in the situations they were presenting me with that that was my time, where I belonged. Who am I kidding though? I do not belong anywhere or apparently with any one.
My true happiest memories were with one person, or I should say she is the one who keeps recurring when I am trying to see my way through the darkness. When I see her post new pictures on facebook I smile as strong as a smile as I can because that is the only time I seem to do it now. We were only together for four or five months (not quite sure on the time frame, but knowing my luck it was four) but I was truely happy then, but then fate or life, whatever one wants to call it saw that I was happy and what happened? It threw me a curve ball yet again and I was left alone, which I am beginning to feel is my true North. I refrain from mentioning her name, because just having her as a friend makes me happy even if she very far away. All I can think of is that I must have done something wrong, besides being the fates (lifes) favorite practical joke and have the rug ripped out from under me, so fast and then I come crashing back down. So I am left to commiserate and just live off of what I thought was happiness and love until I made a mess of it all, like I usually do. That always seems to be the way it ends for me. The woman I am speaking of is perfectly happy now, moving on with her life with a nice gentleman by her side and as long as I know she is happy, I can just live off the brief time that she was in my life, and made me happy.
I made a comparison earlier; do you know the story of Atlas the Titan? He is stong enough have the weight of the world on his shoulders, without wavering or worried about what is going on in the world he just knows he has to keep it propped up and is strong enough to do it. However, I feel like Atlas with the weight of the world on my shoulders, but in my case all my over anxiousness, all my problems are getting to heavy. They are my burden to bear, but the way they just keep coming at me I am afraid I am losing the battle in keeping my world on m shoulders and it is crushing me, until I will be no more. I do not know if that would be a blessing, or if when I do get crushed it will be all the much worse for wear.
I do not know any more. I used to be able to keep my head down, set my mind on something, and do it finally acheiving whatever it is that I set out to do. Even now, the focus that I used to have is going. I cannot find my way out of the darkness to get my vision or drive back to where it once used to be. I do not know what to do any more, I feel totally lost and alone and have no idea where to go from here. I am tired of the fighting, I am tired of trying to think and stay ahead of the many villians I have in my head and in reality, when the truth of it is, there really is no staying ahead of anyone. It seems that the world is always five steps ahead of me, and I am sick of playing catch up. Can I say I give up my hopes? All the time I hear the word "hope" I hear Gimock say, "...and those without hope are easy to control." I feel like I may have finally reached my end of holding on to my hope, if I had any to hang on to any way.
Perhaps my time to submit has come. Perhaps any hope I had at a future, or love, or a life was just a grand illusion, and it is time for me to realize that the darkness I so long to climb out of, is actually my home. Where forever and in all eternity I watch, seeing others be happy, living a life meant for them while I am punished for a deed I cannot even remember doing. To be condemned to this pit and finally giving in, and there I fade into the cold, bitter, all consuming darkness until I am nothing at all.
|Tuesday, April 29th, 2014|
|The Grand Scheme....
Captain's Log; Stardate 14042. 29:
I find myself in a constast state of flux. The world continues to spin, and people move along the outside while I am stuck in doors. I could very well go out if I wanted to, but every time I do go out of the house I find myself becoming more and more disenfranchised with society as a whole. I do not know what to do wirh myself or anyrhing else out there. I am pretty much, for all intents and purposes alone. or that is how it feels to me any way.
I realize spending so much time in my own head, is no place for me to reside. It is a mine field with thoughts and distractions, that if I try to focus on some thing positive all the "what if's" and "could haves" come out and branch out from there bringing even further down my own rabbit hole of despair and misery, that I can never seem to find my way out of. i just continue to fall and fall and there does not seem to be any bottom in sight.
It is a times like this I have to question where am i in the "grand scheme" of things? I must have been born for some reason, other than just adding to the populace of an every growing population and wasting the time of whatever deity is out there, depending on which way one leans on such a subject. Nothing has ever seemed to go my way. I have never really expected everything to go my way, in fact I grew up knowing not to expect much out of life, but if I could be blessed with a little good fortune here and there, then I may have been okay. Apparently that is not they way the fates have in store for me. I personally think they put me in insituaions to get a good laugh out of me, like I am their own personal jester. As much as I want to stand up and scream that I have had enough, I cannot because who is really listening?
I was cursed when I was kid with a incurable disease, that I get sick and tired about hearing how they know people who have had it and all of a sudden they think they know everything about it. I quite frankly heard enough about it growing up, and while I seem to be managing it okay, and I think I seem be doing well, what happens a few years ago? I get hit with an undiagnoasable condition. Well it has been diagnosed, but the doctors are not sure what causes it, so they refer to it as idiopathic epilepsy. I thought I could do just fine living with what life had cursed me with as kid, but no. It seems the "powers that be" need a good laugh riot so the threw another hurdle in my way. I just do not know what to do about it any more.
I see people all around me, moving on with their lives happy, getting together, having children and here I am feeling left out. Granted my anti-social behavior does not help me earn any points, but I am still very lacking in all of areas that seem to make every one else strive and reach their goals. I am at the point where I want to say "WHERE THE HELL IS MY SHOT? WHEN THE HELL ARE THINGS FINALLY GOING TO GO MY WAY?" My apologies if that sounds petty, and like I am whining but I have to ask, even though, again there is really going to be no one out there to give me an answer, well no one in the universe. I admit I am not the most knowledgale guy. Where others seem to have it all, i seem to be severly lacking. I have "book smarts" which is all fine and good, I can do well with what limited knowledge I have. However, from my observations it seems like other people who are able to both manage a comprehensive blend of "street smarts" and "book smarts" are getting a lot further and I am just have a feeling of severe frustration because no matter what I try to do I cannot seem to find "my path."
I am tired of sitting at home filling out countless applications on line, just to received rejections and they do not tell me why. If they want me to have more "recent customer experience" then why they hell do they not hire me and allow me to get that knowlege? I am not that great at person to person interaction, but I can learn pretty fast and I adapt pretty quickly to, or I should say I give it my best shot and try my damndest to get the ball rolling, but still I come up with nothing. I know I cannot just call some one up and say I desperately need a job, hire me please. I realize the job market is tough and I never imagined I would be able to get things right off the bat, but five frakking years and I am still getting kicked around and laughed at? What the hell is up with that? I have two degrees, a state certification, on my way to becoming nationally certified and employers just want to take some other Tom, Dick, or Harry that I do not know kisses their ass in some other way or pleases them to the upteenth degree. I want to think I am smart, but when I am greeted with rejection after rejection I have to question how intelligent am I really?
So, please tell me where in the blue hell to fit into the grand scheme of things? Am I supposed to just be everyone's own personal jester and provide comic relief for those who are fortunate enough to know the ropes of a world I know absolutely nothing about? Is there a place for me on this rock instead of being tortured and have things constanyly lured over my head they I cannot even escape when I try to focus on something positive? Yes, I have friends that I am very thankful for and even though I am not the best at keeping in contact with them I would hope they know I am here for them, no matter what. I always feel like a door mat though. These friends encourage me to get back up and continue to fight, but after going so many rounds I feel like I have been fighting Ali or Tyson, and I just want to stay down, but some how I find myself getting back up, only to be knocked down seconds later, or so it seems. Where the hell is my place? What the hell am I doing here? Can some one please enlighten me. I am on the verge of cracking up, Oh another fun illness I have is DID (Disociative Identity Disorder formely known as multiple personality disorder) That thankfully is under control as well, but me being intergrated I am not sure how long that will last between my depression, misery, and just the feeling that I am damned for some reason.
I know for some odd reason that people in life have a purpose. Some are lucky and find their path and are able to over come the hardships dealt to them in an easy and practical way. I cannot say that I have had the best of luck in that area, because maybe I do not know how to properly deal with what life throws at me and dealing with it properly. I used to think that I was pretty good at getting a handle on stuff, and pushing it out of sight/out of mind. The universe wants me to be alone for the rest of my life? Fine, I think I can deal with that. While I do get very lonely and very heart broken I have to accept those things. My dreams are to big to shoot for, so I have to set my standards a little lower, or just not dream so high? Fine, I will just take things on the day to day. Happy to be able to get up and still be here. However, the fact that I do not have a FRAKKING clue as to what the hell is going on, or how to gain control if I was ever meant to have any in the first place is so far beyond me I cannot begin to describe the loss and confusion I am in. At least Dorothy had a scare crow on the way to Oz, and she had in her mind the idea of what she wanted, and with a little help from the Wizard, her friends, and the ruby red slippers, she made it home.
I just wish it were that easy some times, but there is obviously something wrong with me beyond the things that I have listed that i cannot seem to grasp. My heart weighs heavy, and the storm clouds that gather in my mind do not let in any light. So, I just sit here, sullen, depressed, and alone because as of right now I cannot seem to find an answer to anything. Judy watch other people be happy and live their lives, while I...well I am, as always, on the outside looking in. Where is the happy ending for this Beast? Honestly I do not think I have one or if I do I am so far away from it I will never be able to find it. I am foolish if I continue to get my hopes up, because they seem to be slashed just as easily as my dreams and what I think I may be worthy of. So being alone and always the observer, never the participant seems to be a role that I was meant for in this life....I wish I could be different, but I do not see a logical way to make it that way.
Again, I am at a loss. Whoever said misery loves company has never met me before. Then again my company my just be the branches of thoughts that always keep my head thinking, never stopping. The weight of my world weighs heacy on my shoulders and I am not able to find the strength to hold it up for that much longer. Current Mood: distressed
|Sunday, December 30th, 2012|
|Pandora's item that was left has finally eluded me
Captain's Log: Stardate 120112. 30
Of all the things I have ever said or done in this world, the ever elusive hope was the one thing I was told never to give up on, but what if it has given up on me? In a number of my entries i have probably commented that I have given up on everything, or just certain situations I do not ever see myself possibly being in. My own happiness is one of those things, I lost hope in long ago. Happiness for me does not exist. Just merely a dream, sought after with much anguish and heart break, but still only a dream all the same. I think I have finally reached the point where that feigning, shimmering light of hope that I used to see has finally gone, or is too far beyond my reach for me to try to grasp on to any longer.
Now I know some where in the back of my mind there is always something that brings a spark back to the flame of hope once in a blue moon, only to be thwarted by a harsh reality that I am forced to realize every day as I sit in review and try to make sense of it all. I may have hope, for five seconds if I am lucky, before my mind starts in with thinking and countering about why what I thinking about is not possible, or why something never works out for some unknown reason, that I have yet to fathom. It is an instinct I have leaned on for far to long. I will have to eventually ween my mind off of that hopeless crutch that I am supposed to hold on to that will make things, "all work out in the end." Whenever that is said to me, I barely feel anything any more. I cannot even take it with a grain of salt, because I am so tired of hearing about it, and nothing ever comes of it for me, but it seems to work out for every one else.
I have often separated myself from the human race, because obviously somewhere I am not human by design. I do not know what it is that made me think I had the slightest notion that I could possibly fit in with these damn beings so I may one day be seen as an equal in there eyes. No matter what it is, or what the situation I am always finding myself backed into a corner. Granted yes, I can fight my way out when it is something relatively simple, for me any way, but when it is one of the human conditions I try to fit into, or mold myself into it does not work at all.
For example, the human condition of companionship. I have failed on this endeavor so many times I have lost count. I always come away from my failed relationships trying to learn what it is that I did wrong so I do not repeat the incident should I be afforded the opportunity again. I just do not know why I fail. I realize there is something wrong with me. I should have just picked up the signal from day one, when girls in school would turn their nose up in disgust at me. I am no prize. I have nothing the human women want. I can barely utter two words together when I am around them, and for the proverbial "game" normal human males seem to have, I seemed to have come equipped with none. But why did I not let that stop me, because again, people told me to hold on to hope. My last relationship, I believe was five or six years ago and I am still alone and miserable, not that I ever expect that to change any time soon.
The more and more I take a long hard look at myself, the more I see a desolate, miserable creature who has no place anywhere hence why I may be invisible by nature. I do not know how to act, or when I do act it is way past time for me to do anything about it. When I chose the handle for this site, I did not realize I was literally setting myself up for this. I am becoming more anti-social. I barely go out any more because of no vehicle, and even if I did go out, who would I go out and see? I mean granted I could go to bars, clubs, places where my people usually go but even at that point I am lost in a sea of disparity. Humans just seem to bother me all the the more. The more i have contact with them the more I do not want to be around them any more. Granted I am surrounded by my family most of the time, and I have all ready been put off by them, and grown wary of them for far too long, but this is all I have to look forward now to, I guess. I do have friends, but they are all over the place, all over the world, because I make a better friend on the internet than I do in person. Perhaps that is why I am the way I am. No skill, no silver tongue, no point to my menial existence except to be a faceless voice over a messenger or in an email. That should have been, and probably is, the final stake in my heart. I can be in a chat room and me a nobody on the world wide web, just like I am a nobody in real life.
I am slowly fading away into obscurity. There is nothing that can be done about that. I have tried; looking on the bright side, not let the chips get to far down, turning the other cheek, constantly looking for my pot of gold at the end of the rainbow or any of the many other colloquial sayings I have heard through the ages. I am sickened by constantly living in my own head. I go to many job interviews, and when I go to check up on my status they say either the position has been filled or they want some some one with more experience. I am so tired of all the let down, and the nice way they try to break it to me easy. I would like to shout WHEN WILL IT BE MY FRACKING TURN? But I know no one will answer from the coalescing darkness that surrounds me, and is getting smaller, and smaller by the day. I have gone to live in my own little world time and again, and there is where it seems I can get a fair shake of it all, but at the same time my damn head will not shut off and constantly nag and remind me that the place i am in is not real. If that world is not real, am I not real?
My over-analyzation wears on me every day. Why do sick, messed up people who want to get into a human females pants act like it is a sport? Some one like me would like to get to know them, as a friend not worrying about how good they are in the sack. Yes I realize most of the people on here speak big and are compensating for areas they are lacking, but because of that it is guys like me (if there is anyone else out there like me) that pay the price for other human males super, over-sized ego's and frankly I am just sick of it all. SICK! SICK! SICK! SICK!
I try to remain emotionless and calm since that seemed to work well for me in the early years, but everyone has a breaking point. I am sure mine has been reached a million times over, but I do not think one would know it to look at me. Who am I kidding? I am no good to any one. Even though I have "friends" out there in the world, I am still here with no way to go out and see them or even go exploring any more. It is my firm belief that there is something in the water here. People are getting married, having kids and living their lives, which is all fine and dandy for them. I guess my water must be coming from another natural source because I have yet to be shown what any of that missing piece of Pandora's folly is like for me, and now I do not think I ever will.
So I will sit, grow old and die. Who will care? No one, that seems to be my speciality in this life, or whatever life I will lead again or have lived before. I do not fit in any where, to anything or any one. I know it is a harsh realization to accept, but I have no other choice but to force myself to learn this. There is no coming back from it, there is no life in a cursed body. Some one who is hollow and empty. That must be the reason, or one of the many reasons I am the way I am. I will just sit here and take it as it comes, one day at a time not expecting anything new, because nothing new ever happens for me. And so help if anyone says I am still young, I have plenty of time. Well screw that! I have heard that lame sentiment long enough too. That saying is just as empty as the people who want to make this loathsome, cold creature feel that there is something to reach for. I am done, I am over it. I am by myself The Beast I am, the Beast I shall stay, the Beast i forever will be. A lonely Beast with nothing left, and no one at all. I have abandoned hope, like it has abandoned me.
|Saturday, April 14th, 2012|
|Little Long Girl still Lost
Captain's Log; Stardate 12047. 14
It is strange how the smallest little clue into some one''s past can evoke an emotional response so many years later. It also strange that when in order to follow up on the hint from one's memories are met with insurmountable odds, and a point one cannot continue to pursue because of lack of resources.
During my time here I have been met with many challenges, but none so profound as the women of this planet and time sequence; not that women from any century are easy to understand. In my past there have been girls that I liked and wanted to feel a connection with, but yet at the same time I knew my place and therefore never done or said anything to any human female because I am so used to the rejection i have been accustomed to even more recently.
A name from my past was brought up to me today by a notification from a site known as mylife.com. It is a place where people go to see if any one from their past is looking for them, or want to get caught up with a friend they may have lost touch with. In my notifications a name appeared and it sent me reeling. That of the first girl in school I was drawn to in Junior High...Jennifer Longo. I do not know what it was about her that drew me to her, but there was something there and it felt familiar. She was in my study period with me, and I think she may have even been in a gym class with me, I just knew every time I saw her, whether it was in class or merely passing in the hall, I think I smiled. This smile was different, however. Normally I would just feign a smile, like most humans do during picture day. No this smile that Jennifer brought out in me was rather quite natural and when I felt it come on i Felt almost human. When the school year ended I could not wait for it to start again, for the possibility to see her again, i unexpectedly bumped into her over the summer at the mariner when the boat had stopped in for some gas and snacks. I was left stunned to see her again, but yet I felt that naturally occurring smile come across my lips.
When the new school year had started I did not see Jennifer at all. Not in any of my classes, which I kind of expected since classes could be scheduled like that, but as the year drove on not one single sign of her. I was instantly back to my cold, unfeeling, not smiling self. It was the only way I could have survived Junior high and High school. I was once again lost to any one, not that any one could care about me in the first place, back then or in present day. I mean look at my track record since I started dating.
Seeing that name today, as I said brought a lot of things to the fore front. I felt that natural smile creep back on to my face, but it did not stay there for long. I was just so focused, and asking myself over and over, "is it her? Is this the Jennifer Longo looking for me that I knew all those many years ago?" But as it would turn out, the fickle bitches that the fates are and seem to enjoy using me as their jester and fool, put up a road block. In order for me to find out if it is the Jen Longo I knew, i have to be a member for a year at an inabsorbentant amount of money, that I do not have. So my hopes, once again slashed; that seems to be a recurring theme with me.
I have always been attracted to the name Jennifer. I am not sure if it is the mystery, or perhaps a past life calling to me since Jennifer is the modern name derived from Guenivere, Arthur's long lost love. I just know, for me there is something to that name, and I wish I knew what the connection was. I am not sure if it is just fond memories of the brief interactions we had during our classes or if some how it was some sort of mystical sign. I have not ruled out that perhaps my fondness for her may just be in the past because she could be a completely different person now. Some deep part of me would like to find out, but at the same time, I cannot help but think it is safer with me and the lack of knowledge as far as it pertains to knowing them then, and knowing them now. No women then or now shall know if I like them or have a crush on them. It will remain where I spend the majority of my time; in the cold dark shadows of human civilization.
I have had plenty of other crushes and there are plenty of other names from my past that could send me on just as bad a trip as when I saw Jennifer's name. In fact I still do have many crushes on a lot of women, but they will never know for I know better know and have learned to keep things like that to myself. I made that decision a long time ago. I cannot remember at what point in my life I was at when I made it, but whether it sounds idiotic or self deprecating or not, like with many things I do that people may not understand it is a form of self preservation. I always know, though in the back of my mind, what if?...... Current Mood: sad
|Thursday, March 15th, 2012|
|Re: What Price Valor?
Captain's Log; Stardate 12035. 15:
What in the bloody hell do I have to do to get out of this current funk I am in? I see things all around me, people moving on and making better choices for themselves, and i am happy for them, yet for myself I see no way out. I do not think all the synapses are firing, but it is a points like this where I am ready to throw in the towel, I have had enough, life has beat me down. I have been advised not to let life beat me down, but I'd be damned if it is not one tricky mother to knock down. The way I have been feeling is I keep swinging, and I have not been able to land one single blow yet; in my own humble opinion I have barely made any progress.
Do not get me wrong, I have made great strides in the way of beauties and instead of being convinced that I was never good enough to be with any of them, I have upgraded my thinking to I am only good to be around for a couple of months, if I am even that lucky. There have been a couple of beauties that only had me around for weeks and they either tired of me, or went back to their same sex relationships, and I was just a mere "break" from the norm for them. I do not mean to make it sound like I have anything against homosexuals at all. I think they are really good people, but the bisexual people they are very difficult to figure out.
I have been trying to take influence from the very source a i received most of my education from during my entire early life; the television. One lesson that seems to keep repeating itself is I have to let go of the past, and not fear the future. I have made a lot of mistakes in my past, and although I keep them oh so ever closely to my vest, I cannot seem to get the get up and go with the ability to just learn, and take something away from the lessons, no matter how painful, and just continue to move toward the future. As uncertain as I am of the future, I do not know what it has in store for me, I should just let it come, whatever it has to offer, but I have been given a time line. While my "time line" has no significantly noticeable cut to it, I know being cursed as I am since I was a young boy my future, again in my opinion, got thrown completely out of whack.
My misery and depression have always had the better of me. My loneliness and solitude, while they have served me well and provided a great defense for me have also hindered me in a great number of ways. What is it that i can take away from any lessons that I have been taught? Do not trust any body, because everyone is always playing by their own agenda and you are never sure whether you are a pawn or a mark. Also fate is a fickle bitch and she does not seem to like me very much, then again I have always done my best not to push the envelope with her, she always seems to get to me when I least expect it. Of course the always infamous a dream is a wish your heart makes when you are fast asleep,and they way I dream my heart has so many wishes that I believe may have to go unfulfilled. As much as as i try to break free of my chains of confinement it does not seem like there is any escape for me. I cannot put on the "glass is half full" frame of mind any time I like. I have tried, very hard and my pessimism is strong than my optimism, again fate has always slapped me down when things seemed to be going my way, I have learned many a hard lesson from that. I have learned very many a thing from the lessons both the humans and fate have taught me, and I take away certain things from each experience, but I also harbor them, even if they are in the recesses of my mind because of the person that I am.
I do not know what I want or what I need. I wish I did. Some times I wish my life was like the tv shows or movies I watch where someone comes out from the darkness, pulls the main character aside, teaches me a lesson or shows me what I should be learning, and then be able, by the end of the revelation to figure it out and put the rest of my life in order. However, I know life is never that easy. I wish it was, all I am sure all of the humans do at one point or another. This way I can know where my path will lead and I can become what I am meant to become if anything. But what if I was not meant to be anything? Yet here comes another of my problems; over analyzing every single, grizzly detail until I come out with a logical conclusion why one can never be especially for me who can never find the "happiness" I seek, if I were ever truly meant to be happy.
I take so much slack from the human females. And i am not sure if they instantly know or they sense it, but when they meet me it is like they have found their patsy, and once I am wrapped around their little finger they can make me dance all they want. I have learned to put a stop to their beckon call, but I still do get wrapped up with women too eagerly, or because I am so desperately lonely. before I realize where I am, I have made another of my infamous mistakes and have to figure a way out of where I am and I get miserable and depressed because I have no one to blame for where I am and the situation I am in but my own stupid self.
Superman got help from the Legion. King Arthur got help from Merlyn. Peter Parker had hus Uncle Ben. Hell even the Romanov's has Rasputin until they killed him off. I still have no one to help me out. Granted i have friends, but they are all out on the internet, I am horrible at interpersonal communication and face to face dealings. And while I am aware most of the people that had significant influence their over their lives are people from Legend and fiction, why can I not have the aged advice of some one like that. Yea I know parental units are supposed to be the ones with the sage advice, but well my mom is no longer around, and my dad...well he is so wrapped around my sister's little finger, he is no great person to seek council from. My brother may be the only one, but yet he is living his own life, without a problem, but then again he does not suffer from the same inadequacies that render me powerless.
Really at what price does my own valor come? Do i have to fall to my knees and beg, waiting for the day when I can look up to the heavens and ask where the hell do I belong? What is my purpose? Do I not deserve to get some help, maybe even a little clue to help me step in the right direction? No, I guess asking for a little guidance is a little too much for me. After all I am horrible with people; why should the mystic forces of the universe provide me with any assistance. They have seen every plight have man from the beginning, hell they may have even walked amongst us at some point or maybe walking among us now, laughing at me their own personal joke. The butt of everyone's joke really.
I cannot shed the lessons I have learned, without letting something go. The question is; what do I let go? How do I look forward to new, unknown frontiers in my life without direction. It is not like they make a universal GPS to guide me in the right direction. I am telling you this though, I am just at the end of my rope. Every time I want to give up and fall into the abyss, i reach up just in time to grab another straggling line so I may have one more chance at what may really be out there for me. I know I am deeply fucked in the head, and giving up will not get me any where, but what else can I do when I have fallen so far out of the shuffle of life, I am left as the Universe's (and every human's personal fool?) I am left with the same thing that I felt i have had from the beginning; nothing... Current Mood: crushed
|Saturday, February 18th, 2012|
|A harsh realization
Captain's Log; Stardate 120207. 18:
A lot has happened since my last entry; trouble is where do I begin?
My sister, Heather, will be married this August 19, 2012. She has a picture of her ring on her face book profile, and when she came home to flaunt it in my face, I had all ready seen it on her page, but actually seeing it and her waving the damned thing in my face was the final nail in my coffin. Now Heather is deep in her planning stages for the nuptials that will take place this summer, as well as her inviting every member from my dad’s side of the family, which I am not looking forward too. I have even told my dad that I am not looking forward to any of this day, but he says to “put everything aside, it is for my sister.” So what? My sister is and has been a royal bitch, even when she does he best to try to fake it, everyone (that I know of any way) can see through her saccrhine sweet act of hers. If I had told my dad that I did not want to be surrounded by his family, the family I hate so much, that would have definitely got me booted out the door for sure ~sigh~ I did manage to keep my mouth shut, and those negative thoughts about the Tanner family to myself, but still they are haunting the back of my mind. It has me at the point where I realize I may not be able to escape going to the actual ceremony, but the reception that is at the Country Club across the street from West Warwick High School, I can just walk home from there and not even attend. Then again, would they even notice I was not there in the first place? It is not like I am visible to any one who still resides in this house either.
I have some one in my life once again. Before anyone thinks it may be a good thing, I would hold off on any well wishes that may come with it. I do not know why I or what attracted me to her. Was it the fact of mere loneliness? I, as with my usual ways, cannot help but think that was the only reason there was. I have been mulling it over and over again in my head. The feeling of actually having human contact again after four or possibly five years may have felt good at the time, but the longer I think about it, the longer I think loneliness is the better SOP (standard operating procedure) for me.
Brenda is a very nice young woman. She is nice to be around for a brief period of time, but long term exposure is not recommended, well for me any way. I have been trying my best to just let things with her slide. She does not seem to mind that I am Pagan, however she has gone and told her family who seem to be ready to burn me at the stake. My apologies, that may sound a bit dramatic. Her family are born again Christians and are very close minded, and she has told me that they think that I have demons following me every where. While Brenda assured me she does not share their narrow minded mentality, I cannot help but think she has reservations of her own. Her relationship with me has put her under severe strain with her family which has added to her unhealthy woes and I do not know what to do to alleviate the unnecessary strain.
I take that back. I do know what to do, but it requires me to be the "bad guy" in the situation and break up with her. This relationship has put me in even more misery and pain than I care to admit. I have done nothing but constantly churn ideas and ways of what to do to work things out calmly and rationally in my own head, but no matter what avenue I turn down in my head I can see nothing but pain and agony for all parties. As much as I do not want to admit to such a conclusion I do not know what else to do.
As far as this goes I have reached the end of all tolerance. For her, for it, for everything. It seems since I have known her she won’t shut up about me being a pagan. I am proud to be pagan but for the entire city of West Warwick to know what I am. I keep things to myself for a reason, and Brenda, no matter how many times I have explained it to her, just keeps telling people stuff that I abhor, (like letting everyone know I have diabetes) and I do not want people knowing. I mean, I think I have a right to keep some things to myself. I have my own reasons for keeping my the fact that I am Pagan quiet and why people I do not even know, I do not want any ole person to know what I am sick. Or like Brenda’s close fellow patrons at her church Tom and Doris say that I am a diabetic because I do not follow the Lord’s work…or the always classic, it is because I have the devil in me ~sigh~ such ignorant assholes.
I know in my mind what I have to do, and I am all for doing it, but yet I still refrain because I know how much it hurts so I am at quite the crossroads, and it is driving me insane. The more I dwell upon the more upset and torn apart I am getting. If I did not know any better, if I had DID (dissociative identity disorder) I would think that I would have one personality after another coming to the surface and no amount of fusion (the process to bring all personalities back into the original identities body) would be able to sort through them all and find me again.
On to other news; I thought a broken heart was bad…I did not know how much pain on any physical part of my body could hurt until I broke my leg back in November. I broke the tibia completely in half and only slightly fractured my fibia. And to think after walking down the hill into the Stop and Shop plaza like I have done numerous times before, this all of a sudden happens and mid roll down I actually feel the pop in my leg. Granted I got up on one foot, hopped into a carriage and was able to get some snacks, since my dad had not gone food shopping for the whole month of October, because by the time he got home from work he was too tired, and on the weekends he was too busy. I figured I had to take it upon myself to get something so I could eat. Of course whatever was left in the house Heather and Joel could eat, but I cannot eat the same things they can, another blatant forgetful fact my father continuously exhibits.
So I have been confined to my room, since November. I have had to keep my right leg elevated, and I have been on everything from Vicodin, to Ibuprofen 800mg, and finally leveled off to Advil when it hurts, the back to Vicodin when I started Physical Therapy for those “just in case” moments of pain. I am now in a walking boot, without the cast, but I have a profound limp, that I can only hope will go away in time when I start to walk normally again.
As a result of being laid up, I also have not been able to have access to my computer, so I was off the various websites I frequent with friends out there in the world I never get to see. However, coming back on, I noticed something; they all seemed to have been better off without me. Some of my friends had started dating people, or got married, or some of my female friends have gotten pregnant and they are perfectly content with who the father is. Here I am thinking; am I just merely holding all my friends back? I mean of course I expect them to have lives and such, but I come back and everything has changed so dramatically from last when I talked to everyone. So my being away or not talking everyone must have been a good thing for them, right? I mean as much as it hurts, what I have to take away from this is that people or “friends” of mine do not need me. I hinder their happiness, and I never wanted to do that to any of them. It has even has me debating recently getting rid of everything all together. I mean did anyone even notice I was gone? I came back and they asked what happened and I left a note on my face book page telling them I would not be around for a while.
I try not to feel pain, as it is an emotion I think I can do without. Hell I try to block out all emotion as it is, but the one that exudes pain is of strong relevance in my life, and I do not know what to do. Being cooped up with no human contact, except for Brenda, and I all ready know that I am not the most social person out there makes me realize I truly am and will always be alone. It is a harsh realization to come to, especially when I used to have people telling me that I am a good person, I have a lot to offer. Recent events have led me to think otherwise. Once I end things with Brenda, I will be completely alone again, which for the best I can guess is the way it is supposed to be for me. The only place relationships exist for me are in the wanting and the imagined feelings of what it is like for me in my stories where everything is all in my imagination. As I have stated many times before, but it is even more prevalent now; I truly am all alone… Current Mood: depressed
|Sunday, June 12th, 2011|
|Re: I have had enough
Captain's Log: Star date 11061. 12;
Ok, I am normally a being who thinks things through clearly and rationalizes everything until there is no more subject to be rationalized, and even then I continue to think and dwindle on it, making the subject that I bear the brunt of, the weight on my shoulders of of that current day, hour, week, , however long I stew about the particular matter, but for some reason today, I have had enough and I think i should just let it rip; good idea no?
I am fucking pissed as hell. I do not know what I have done in past lives or whatever to make me this feeble minded weakling who cannot get anything right, or get anything going if my damn life depended on it. All of my relationships the five that I have had, (if I count the one that was on and off again for about a week, six) have blown up in my face and I have been broken up with or found some one else in bed with some one i was currently seeing, or the first girl/woman I went out with who said she never loved me, she just felt bad for me so she stayed in the relationship out of pity. That made me feel like an even bigger loser than I thought I had all ready been at that point, but time and again I am always proven wrong.
This is not going to be an entry where I apologize for being me. As hard as it is has been I have evolved into this thing whatever the hell i am due to my environment and the the elements the surround me everyday. Here I was growing up thinking I could just keep my head low and not stir any waves, but oh no!!!! I have been sick with this fucking lame ass disease I have that makes me practically useless to everyone, not only useless but a hindrance and not only that, I believe in my rationalization of that I kept my distance from people through the most difficult time in any one's life the real life over the top drama that is fucking high school and I hated almost everyone, which is quite a feet since I had crushes on many of the beauties there and yet they did not know I was alive, or they treated me like the lowest form of dirt there was. Did I ever stand up and say anything about it? Oh hell no!!!! I was trying to be a good guy and not let what these foolish humans did or say get to me, but still I kept bearing the brunt of all the punishment that I could handle, but even then I did not break.
There may have been times, in Community College where I may have broken, but I did not because I was surrounded by the same pestilent annoyances that I thought I was free of once I had left that godforsaken seventh layer of hell known as a high school, but apparently no matter how far one goes it cannot be escaped. The only time I thought i had truly found happiness was when I finally moved out of this dire hell of a state and move to Florida. I was there for a few years, but i should have known me being happy was a sign that things were about to go down hill. I was recalled back here and have been stuck in this shit hole over since, with only sparks of happiness here, but I kept it well controlled because as soon as something good had happened to me I equated that to not being what i am supposed to be like. I am supposed to be miserable and alone, hence my "delightful" moniker, or for those of you who do not know "destined2balone." I mean how the hell else am I supposed to feel?
Oh and let us no forget the very minimal amount of friends I have. While I have been grateful and happy to know these people, I still lacked the basic foundation because I did not know how to socialize. I am socially inept, that is one big joke if I had ever heard one. It is a wonder why, to me, it seemed people only tolerated me. I am so fucking clueless on the majority of things a person my age is supposed to know, it is no fuck wonder I am laughed at or people may laugh at me as soon as my back is turned. That is me the jester, always providing laughs at my expense because I do not get anything in this human world.
Another joke that has been played on me repeatedly, still sticking with friends is, while I have tons of friends out there in cyber space, if I happen to like any of them or any of them like me I find that one big kick to my balls because it is impossible for me to go any where. Or how about the women that supposedly like me or think I am great, and yet they all end up meeting someone else and although they say they still like me or "wish to be with me" I cannot help but laugh at some of the shit they are spewing because the sad thing is I am enough of a dope to believe they shit they are selling. I could probably conned into buying a bridge in Brooklyn they were sell. I need transportation and what happens every time I have transportation available? It ends up getting wrecked because fate intervenes and i have some sort of low sugar attack behind the wheel and the vehicle ends up getting destroyed. I take care of myself, make sure I eat properly and I am feeling fine, but then from out of the blue i get sick and I am confined to places I can only walk too, unless I know some one going that way. That intern makes me feel even more like a bother to people because i am so far out of the way of people, not that I get invited to go many places around here, you wonder why? It all goes back to my lack of being able to socialize with normal fucking people, I just do not mix. I do not fit any fucking where.
In my view all the people I knew are successfully moving on, and at one moment I am happy for them and wish them continued success it drives me fucking insane because I feel like I am being left out. I got started late in life, but should I let that bother me oh no, of course no. This is Vincent, he is cool laid back he wont mind if he gets passed over, the dumb schmuck won't even realize he has been passed over, and when he does, he will just continue to kick himself because that is the only thing he knows how to do right. Find the blame within himself, and throw himself upon it.
In my mind yes I believe I have a hero complex, and if I am given a chance to do something I would work on it until I get it to where I am supposed to be. Hell I gave acting a try, but it seems that I never have what it takes, even though I do my best with the interpretations I give and follow directors instructions to how to address the character, I still always fall short. I consider myself very lucky to be in the four plays I was in, and plus I had that extra role in the movie Underdog, and there for a shiny, bright moment in my life, I thought finally I had fucking direction, a purpose, I was going to make something of myself and all of the bullshit and torture I have been through would be worth something; come to find out it fucking isn't.
I do not know if I have what it takes it make it anywhere. I finally got my shit together and finished my associates degree thinking that would open doors for me, but nooooooooooooo!!!!! All the companies want know is a fucking bachelors degree or greater to get one of those comfy jobs I think I would be perfect for, but when they narrow it down, I either get the excuse of I have too much experience, or for a particular job I have too little experience. I keep getting passed over, and over and over again. I do not know what it is going to fucking take to make these people realize how good I am. Again in this instance I must be a loser as well because when I get rejected and get the always popular "...but we will keep your resume on file for six months to a year..." excuse, but when I check back surprisingly they have nothing for me, and I am getting sick to hell of looking up down and side ways and constantly being met with rejection. As it is I cannot get a job where I deal with customers face to face because I do not interact very well with human in general. Co-workers, i can manage, so working in a cubicle, behind a desk answering a phone, or making calls that are not on a fucking 2 minute window before i have to take the next caller on, or emailing or whatever the people do at work where they can sit behind a computer all day and work, and take lunch breaks and check their personal email, it just fucking tears me up to the point of no control.
So let me review, I do not have a place in normal civilization where I can interact with my so called peers because I am a freak, hindrance, bother, inconvenience, and every other word I can think of to describe how inept I have in a social environment of my peers, and I obviously do not have a place in the business world, because although I may be smart (or so people say) i am just not smart enough to have a job that does not require me to say "paper or plastic" or "would you like fries with that" which I cannot do either because I hate people, well customers who think they can walk up to me or any one and take their frustrations out on the people behind the counter, because the customer is always right and the employee can talk back, i say fuck you to all those people who think the customer is always right, those mother fuckers are always wrong, but no I can never day that.
So tell me where the fuck do i fit in? Where is my place in this world? People I know are happy, have families, or are just starting a life together with the people that make them happy; where is my moment? I am not a fucking mind reader as much as that would help. I am so fucking tired of hearing the same shit getting beat over and over my head about how I need to start here, or I need to do this and I need to do that. I fucking need a new place where no one knows me,and I can exist on my own, but alas I cannot because I am bound to the civilized world because of this damned disease I have been cursed with and cannot live with out and there possibly may never be a damn cure for. I am forever fucking stuck! Where the hell do I go? Do i belong? Where is (if any) is my happy ending? I am tell you all fucking right now it does not seem to be in the cards for me, i always am the butt of the jokes for everyone to laugh at. I can admire, but am never one to be admired. I can like people, but they are never to like me in return. Where or what the hell have I done wrong to make me lead such a pessimistic view of life now?
I have had enough of the bull shit. I am tired of being this negative and it building it all up inside of me and nowhere to go. Hell, I thought typing all this out would help my get organized, but even this is not helping. I am tired of the loneliness, depression, despair that I am in and every time I go to turn it around, and I am close to possibly being happy, something happens to bring me back down and bound to Earth. I am cutting myself off from everybody and everything, not that it would be much different than it is now. This way the humans I know can continue in their happiness, and I will as I always am standing alone. Current Mood: angry
|Tuesday, April 19th, 2011|
|Re: A Strange dream, with unexpected guests
Captain's Log; Star date 11043. 19:
It would appear that in my dreams as of late, the strangest people continue to show themselves from what I can only describe as latent reworks of people I have never met, or this case, people I have met and have hurt me, when I was able to be hurt, and people I have never met before.
Last night's dream was so very peculiar. It involved going to school, and what seemed to be a special hang out where demons resided, all to get down into the underground where a very nice owner of the "shop" held classes and helped people uncover things about the or their past.
Apparently I had ended up in some one Else's dream, to be more precise the dream of Jennifer Love Hewitt, an actress from the current time period and, when I had my human vulnerabilities, had a huge crush on. I remember seeing her in a very dazed and confused state, and she had made her way to a house to a meeting or a gathering of some sort. I was blind sided by the person who was hosting this "party"; one Joanna Geremia.
For all of those who are not familiar with Joanna, she was girl I used to work at during the days of Edward's supermarket/ Ro-Jack's. When I had started there I was not looking for any one or anything except for a place to earn a steady rate of pay, but that one afternoon where we had been so busy and i had to bag on register eleven, that was a day that I would never forget, and would discover of the course of time wish I had.
I guess one could say for that time, Joanna was a big time crush. I mean I have been known for having many crushes throughout high school, but I with them I had convinced myself that I never had a shot in hell because of the loser I was...still am, but outside of West Warwick High School, I thought the world was wide open and I was very open to the idea of finding someone outside of my high school to be my first ever girlfriend. Joanna was the unfortunate girl that I and my heart, had set my sights upon.
Along with Joanna comes in an added stipulation, kind of like a package deal. I am not sure if it is still like that, but Joanna and her cousin Dana Palazzo were inseperable. While Joanna was the quiet type, or I thought to be, Dana appeared to be her mouth peace. I had tried on three different occasions to tell Joanna that i liked her; once straight out, another time I wrote it down in a letter since my experience with the verbal word was failing, and then the last time that led to my down fall was the secret admirer card, but by that time I should have realized it was not a good idea since I was their first guess. I played it off like I had no idea what was gong on, but the whole secret admirer thing worked for someone else, Joanna's best friend Bill Coughlin. They had grown up together, and since I made it a point to never to reveal myself as the admirer, Bill took the advantage and one Joanna's affections, because it was not me in pursuing her, or not that she knew.
From what I remember Bill and Joanna did not lat long, but it seemed like an eternity for me. Forward to Senior year of high school; prom time. Every one was excited and I thought since I had not made any big moves in a long while, I would ask Joanna to my prom. Little did I know that she had her prom on the same night. I never got around to asking her, and at the time and until the present I think it was better that way, but the next time I showed up to work, Dana got in my face. She said words to me that to this very day ring me to the very core of my foundation, they are engraved in stone. Dana said, "I heard you were going to ask Joanna to prom" and I stupidly confessed to thinking about it, then she responded, "it is a good thing you did not ask her. She wouldn't have had a good time if she went with you any way." I still did not do much talking back then, but you know the human saying "never kick a man when he is down" well Dana had perfected that to an outright art form, well with me at least any way.
The reason I did the entire back story was because Joanna and Dana were there in my dream. Now why would my subconscious throw them in there, when it represented some of the most hurtful times to me. Granted while Joanna did not do much of the hurting, as I said Dana made it an art form for herself. But to bring those people out of my past; was it a test? I mean even in the dream I made mention of how bad they had hurt me, or more so how Joanna spurned me, and Dana just kept coming one hit after another. I did not mind that Joanna did not like me, hell I was used to it, but every time I would come in, or even pass her register, Dana was never far behind, giving me the evil eye to stay away from her, or that is how it felt any way. Needless to say, I never bagged for her again, at least not that I can recall. The rest of the time I spent out in the parking lot fetching carriages.
The rest of the dream consisted of waking Jennifer Love Hewitt up from a magical coma she had been slipped into, and she did not know how she had ended up like that, but I found myself waking as soon as in the dream Jennifer was having with Joanna in it, I was confronted by her; Jennifer was not far behind. That is where the whole hang out at the demon's lair happened, and Jennifer went into there to do some research and a friend and I had followed her into the darkened den and found her there. The dream ended with Jennifer, my friend, and I pouring over volumes of books looking for an answer to what happened to Jennifer.
I know all of what happened to me was teenage, high school drama that I hated even more so back then, but why throw such influential characters back at me? I have not seen Joanna in years, and the last time I saw Dana, I had come back up from Florida, and was shopping at the Ro-Jack's in Cranston where they had been transferred to after the one in Warwick closed. Further analysis is not possible beyond this juncture because I "feel" these people, ot this event is all ready causing me hull damage to my neural net, and I do not think I can dig any deeper with out undoing a process I had worked so hard to reestablish after so many years of playing human and horribly I might add. This would be a good time to ask people who know me for advice or their thoughts, but what exactly do I ask? Hell who do I know that would come forward? I should just say any and all insights would be appreciated, and end it at that, which sounds like a capital idea. Any and all insights would be appreciated, thank you.
This is one dream, with the exception of having Jennifer Love Hewitt in it, I do not want to ever have again or revisit. Joanna and Dana have stayed out of my head for this long, I do not need them creeping back into my head throwing me back on years of painful recollections and more heart break.
|Sunday, April 3rd, 2011|
|Another Vision of my ill begotten youth
Captain's Log; Star date 11104. 3:
I grew up as any normal human child could; abuse from parents mainly the male representation of a father in particular, being cursed with the wretched illness I have, and treated as a black sheep because I was a little more...colorful and spirited but minus that, I believe I can safely say being raised by the television, and having people I look up to from there, and learning my lessons has been a while on one hand a great learning experience for me, it may have also hindered me in some of the processes.
In my dreams last night my visions were of one of the first crushes I had. It was before I had actually evolved into the modern version of what I am now. I was still a child learning and growing, but I was starting to become very aware of my many short comings but didn't know what that would mean in the future. It had taken me back to the fifth grade, when i was still naive enough to believe that I could relate to humans on a personal level even though I was still being shunned at every turn.
There were two human females that I had major crushes on, and foolish me I thought I could be as bold and brash as any human male at that age. When human females teased and made fun of a boy, I thought it was because that was their way of saying they liked them, and vice versa. Truth be told, much like the females of today they did not even know I existed, nor did I have any possibility of being what they wanted or could even consider me in that possibility.
Her name was Stephanie Cabral, and the other was April Cote. I only caught glimpses of April as she walked down the hall or was in the cafeteria at lunch time, or even in the recess yard, because she was in a different class room than I. In fact my biggest thrill one year while at Greenbush Elementary was when I was holding the door open after lunch and as her class was going to the lav, she said hi to me and knew my name, which at that time I was in awe and shocked that she even knew who I was. Stephanie was another story. She bantered back and fourth with me, and I believe I gave just as good as I got. But that was the only time in our brief "time" together that we were, as the humans say, "at each others throats." As we grew and went to separate grades, six, seven, eight, and on through high school she warmed to me slightly, and I thought by the end of our Senior year we had reached a good point, but a year or so ago after I had joined facebook and realized one could look former classmates up there, Stephanie was one of the ones I invited to be my friend and she shot me down cold. Whether it was because she wanted to forget her days of youth, because she was now married and living a more happy life, or it was just me in general I will never know.
In my dream of last night, I was taken back to a time in that "friendship" if I can even call it that, but I will use it for lack of a better term because we were friendly, in passing any way. And my mind ended up coming out with this wild scenario of bringing a crush into the possibility of what could have been. You know, like a teaser trailer, that looks so good you know you want to see the movie when it comes out, but when the movie is out, you completely do not go to see it and missed your opportunity. Well I saw the teaser and the movie all in one night and as alone as I am now and have accepted it, my brain is still making up desires for me to wish and want upon that never have a chance of coming to fruition for me.
I have been watching a lot of movies lately as well. The last movie I watched last night before I went to bed was called, "3 Ninja's." And it was released back in the time of when I was still in school during that "getting along time" that Stephanie and I had for that little while. Of course, logically I had to realize that it was only an after effect of the movie in my head that was trying to make me feel something again, and in the beginning, I admit there was some small signs of hope there, but when I realized where I was and what was happening the hope and possibility for happiness faded, well not only that but because I knew in the back of my mind she was married and that this was not present day, but I had to keep it in mind to save my sanity.
As I have mentioned in previous logs before, the people in school they were not very nice and in my own humble opinion I could not trust any one either. It took me all I could to not to fall into any of the many traps that lay about the treacherous mind field of teenage angst and hormones that every kid has to go through while growing up, why else would I go through the formative years with shields at full and sensors always at maximum? In the back of my mind I all ready knew what the humans expected of me at that age, and the rest was just to keep myself in check, so I knew my role. It kept me alive, and helped me to survive, but there is still that piece of me I will never know what happened, if I had, as the humans say "lightened up." My loss right?
|Monday, March 21st, 2011|
|Re: Chaoe and Destruction
Captain's Log; Star date 11032. 21:
While my dreams do often have alternative meanings, and i have never questioned them; figuring them out is something I do, and seem to have a reasonable logic to deduce from, so I am able to understand it, but this one has been brought out of nowhere and although I had the dream last week, it still lingers in my mind.
The dream was on Earth and it seemed to be all falling apart, and I do not remember what caused the chain reaction that happened, but the entire planet began to fall apart, and remained in in crumbling peaces, it resembled the core of an apple, after one had finished eating all the "meat" of the fruit around it.
Everyone had negative attitudes, as most people do with the way the world is, but from out of all that crushing darkness and hate, a light sound resonated, it was the sound of some one singing, then another and another and the Earth started to come back together, but fights still arose, and it caused the it all to fall apart again, but some one was able to reign in the hostility and the singing started again, and the last I saw before I woke up was the Earth was coming back together again.
Still it is unnerving, I watched V for Vendetta before I had gone to bed, and that could have had something to do with the explosions, and the destruction that I saw, but still the memory of that dream lingers, and other than the movie I cannot think of a reason why I would be having that dream. As I have said, I have had messed up dreams before, but this one has to be one of the many that takes, (to use a human expression) the cake.
I will continue to analyze this, as per usual to exhaustion. The question is, will I be able to figure it out to give my mind some rest?
|Monday, March 7th, 2011|
|Re: The Darkest Day of all Humanity Returns
Captain's Log; Star date 11032. 7:
Here it is again, the one day out of the three hundred and sixty five earth days that I never look forward to, the day that darkness settles over the Earth because it was the day i came to be, and still continue to, in my opinion, make every one's lives darker just for knowing me; the day of my birth. Now before any one thinks of this as an emo writing, I assure and reassure everyone that I have always reviled this day, it is not something brand new that caught up with me later in life. To me, today is just a normal day just like the rest of the days of the year, I do not see another point to the celebration.
As far as I am concerned, I could go on happily, if I still felt happiness, without hearing the customary greeting that is accompanied on a day like today. Hell, I when I could, I could not be mopey on this day because Ryan's friend Caitlin Murphy would think, or may still think if she were still to see me, that I wanted attention. I have gone throughout my entire life not seeking attention, what would plant that seed of thought in her head that I crave having the spot light shown on me; if anything I do my best to play it down every time it comes around. She is a petty human any way who thinks everything I do is for attention, and I am better off not having her or any one like her around me so I can just continue on during the day as a normal day in the life of this life that I am living.
I have never understood why it is that humans make a big deal out these special days they have. It is just one year closer they come to death. I have observed that once a human is born, they are sentenced to die, it is just how they choose to live their lives how much earlier or later in life that their date with the grim reaper comes to pass. It is more to the fact that I do not wish to understand birthday practices. I have seen what my sister does, hell she makes a month long celebration out of her birthday month. Again, i do not understand the premise behind, nor do I pretend to. I guess it could be said that people do as they please, which is fine by me; yet a whole month where she out drinking and being taken to dinners by friends and such that may appeal to some one who has friends that are close to them, although my sister does not have friends that stay around for long. That is another story for another time.
Something to note of importance; I have completed my training in the Koli-nar, the Vulcan practice of reigning in my useless and illogical emotions so I may take any elements that would inable me from making split second logical considerations without having any static in the background getting in the way of judgments or analytical assignments. I am sure the Vulcan elders would be proud that I was able to reach this point yet again. How do I know I successfully completed the Koli-nar? I have gone back and read things that used to make me question myself, emotionally any way, from what acquaintances have posted and I do not get that twinge of guilt, loneliness, or sadness any more. I feel nothing, there is only a clear path to logic and in my analytical sensibilities I have seen why they do what they do or why they post what they do.
I am still in no way perfect, like the Vulcans can be, after they had reached the koli-nar for themselves; after all I still have the human part in me buried deep in my subconscious, but as of right now that side will never come back to the surface again. It may be a fight and some day's a struggle but as long as I keep focused on my meditations and holding back I believe I will be able to function within normal parameters of my non-emotional existence.
There used to be a point, a ledge if you will, certain humans may have been able to pull me away from, before I made that final jump but all that is lost to them, not that they or any one would care. There was one back in high school who had the power, and one recently who had that ability, but as with "the crush" from high school, there attempts here or any in the future would be futile. I am once again myself, and as the human saying goes, "it is good to be back."
The Beast returns again.
|Wednesday, February 23rd, 2011|
|Re: To Resist the Nature of the Beast
Captain's Log; Star date 110224.23
Why is it I am finding that cutting off the feeling of pleasure is the most difficult to manage or more appropriately shut down. Do not get me wrong; when I was normal I enjoyed the ways of the flesh very much. Is it the fact that I am still holding out because i still have reserved feeling of loneliness? Perhaps once I am able to tame the feeling of pleasure, the feeling of loneliness will go away.
I am doing what I can do numb myself to certain sensations and feelings. Much like the Vulcan part of myself, I am doing my best to regain hold of the emotions I developed somewhere in the midst of my life here in this century. I cannot find logic in most of what remains of my feelings now, and they have been slowly going away with meditation and relaxation. Granted while the pon farr is inevitably going to come into play while I am still initiating the return to my normal sub routines that were running at one hundred percent efficiency, have grown, to quote a human term "rusty" i have no doubt that I will be able to shake loose the matter that had gathered on my subroutines and neural pathways and be back working with in my normal specifications in no time.
What brought me to this revelation? As of late I have been experiencing more pleasurable dreams than I am normally am accustomed too. Again i am not sure if I can just fall back and actually accuse my loneliness for doing that, or if it is something deeper, but soon none of that will matter.
The people who knew me may detect a change they may not; it all depends on how well they knew me. I think I may have been a stronger individual when I was back in my school days because I was cut off from every one and everything. However, while I did have my crushes, admittedly that was more so focused on the human part of me that wanted so much to belong. Obviously that human part had emerged and what happened when it did? I got into so much trouble, I was in way over my head, but yet at the same time I could not gain control of normal self that I had grown accustom to.
To say that resistance is futile would be redundant. Once people have changed from their old ways, they say no one can go back. However when I am more determined to do something, and I put myself into it without thinking about worrying about what every one else may think, I do not. Good part is, I do not care any more. I have been hurt beyond reproach and there is nothing any one can do to fix it, not that any one would try. As I have stated my different modes that I was to work on when I was growing up, are coming back into full swing. I can feel the diagnostic mess in my brain humming to life, back to work. Almost like a re-acclimated warp core that had just received a new stock of dilithium crystals.
It will not be long before the human part of my brain is completely gone. After all, the rest of my systems that I functioned on did not feel anything except what they were supposed to, such as if I were in a battle situation, I would feel the Klingon, Norsican, Gem Ha'daar, and other battle sentient species would be activated. My human side was my only weak link and that will be gone from me forever.
I would like to thank all of the humans who taught me my painful lessons I learned while I was in that sorry excuse for a sobering simpleton frame of mind. The experiences that I had been subjected to, I will never forget or forgive, since I will never able to forgive any one any more. In essence I will be back to normal; my version of normal and I can finally wipe my hands of all the human baggage that was holding me down. I am alone and forever shall be; humans should be happy. I learned my lesson and now I am properly dealing with it.
|Monday, February 21st, 2011|
|Re: Perchance to Dream
Captain's Log; Star Date 11022. 21:
Two dreams I remember quite vividly; and they are not the normal "predictable" nightmarish visions I usually get. One was definitely intense, and another was shocker, even something that I am surprised my mind would through into my brain even as a suggestion is repulsive.
The first dream was a mad man was loose. He actually owned an apartment over by the Del's lemonade where I used to wait for the school bus every morning. He was throwing fire bombs, creating mass hysteria saying how he worshiped the devil and no one was going to stop him from carrying out his lord and master's plan. How I came into this I am unaware, all I remember is I was out running, and I some how became involved in the crowd of people that had come, every one from state and local LEO's (Law Enforcement Officers) to emergency crews, fire crews and just passers by. I was able to get close enough to the building to see what was going on, I noticed that he was throwing out the homemade fire bombs with one hand, and was waving a .45 caliber gun around with another.
The only thing I could think of doing was confessing that I was pagan, considering I was so close he could have taken me out with a single shot, but then he went on to praise me saying I would be the only one to understand what he speaks and together we would spread the word of his lord and savior. I did not volunteer, it was almost as if he had instantly recruited me, but it had distracted him enough where I was able to make my way through the crowd and to the Cumberland Farm's at the entrance to my street.
While I was in there, I dropped a back pack I was carrying, I do not know what was in it. I completely forgot about it as I went into the convenience store, that I was all to familiar with. I remember bumping into Michelle Williams (actress who played Jenn on "Dawson's Creek", and was the younger version of the alien from "Species", and most recently she was connected to actor Heath Ledger before his mysterious death) and she had her son with her. From there it seemed like I had personally known her for a long time.
Out of all the actresses I have had crushes on, she was the last one I expected to see, but it was a comfortable kind of feeling. I was doing my whole protection detail I normally have in the majority of my dreams, telling her everything would be all right. She had just escaped the mad man's rampage and I saw him walking up the side of the street, and it was at that moment I realized I did not have the back pack, so I went out to get it with her son in my arms, keeping him safe. I retrieved the bag nit before he returned with a friend he had recruited, I do not know from where, but his accomplice was carrying an automatic shot gun, well it looked to me to be a machine gun but they called it an automatic shot gun. They went on a tear throughout the entire store, and just as standing up to protect Michelle, the second man who I had noticed had the strangest tattoos, fired his machine gun and it caught me in the throat, and as I went down, I woke up.
That was my first time being thrown from a dream like that. I do not know what it could have meant. All I did was shake it off and went back to sleep. The strange part about me going back to sleep was I went back to the Cumberland Farms again, only this time I was out side and I saw Michelle Williams again. We were still in the friendly area and she was recently single. There was a guy she liked who didn't notice that he liked her and she was sad about it, but I assured he would see what he was missing out on.
Now it is from here that the dream kind of gets strange; I some how end up in a relationship with Michelle, there was even a time were I could vividly see her soft, smooth creamy white skin as if it were right there in front of me as we woke up together one morning. She called some one on her cell phone (i imagine it would have been whoever was watching her son) and made sure he was all right and reporting that she was all right.
In that moment, I was actually happy again. Clouds of despair did not penetrate my thoughts, and I was not lonesome and brooding. If I had to define what my state of mind was, I would have to say it was happiness, but from many tales I have told before we know that it was not going to last very long. There was a point in the dream where I had over heard her talking about having sex with the same guy who did not even know she liked him in the beginning, and when I sit down to talk with her I ask her how long it had been going on, she said more than the time we had been together (pretty much seeing him and having sex with him, while she was seeing me). It upset me to a point, but then when I asked her if she was happy, she said yes, I asked her if she was bored with me she actually said yes. I stood up, wished her well and walked out, knowing that the break up is what she wanted, and I only wanted her happy and since I was not doing it for her any more, not sure if I actually ever did it for her, I went on my way.
Which now transitions into my next dream. I was alone in the house, or as I refer to it "the seventh layer of hell" and Heather (my sister) was not at home nor was Al (my dad) I was just being by myself enjoying the peace and tranquility I usually do during the day. I had gone out to the store to pick some stuff up for dinner, and again I stopped at Cumberland Farms (I have not figured out why that is a recurring theme in this dream state or what sticks out the most.)
When I come back to the house, Heather's (my sister) friend Heather Piazick is at the house, but yet my sister is not. As I come up the stairs, she asks me if I want to have sex, and I like the idiot I am said yes, but it never happened. My sister and dad came home with a bunch of her drunken friends, I think it was an entire baseball or basketball team, so i went down stairs to my room to find out my bed isn't there.
I came upstairs in a very angry mood, and asked what the hell is going on and where the frack is my bed (did not use frack; keeping it clean just in case) And apparently dear old dad told her she could bring the bed into her room, the den of inequity that all ready takes up the rest of the basement, and I was in line waiting to take a shower. So, towel wrapped around me, Heather P. comes out and goes downstairs with a giggle, almost like she was playing me so I had gotten naked for sex, but passed it off as I was getting ready to take a shower, which I really did do, I became so fumed that I think my anger just got the better of me in the dream, and I woke up.
Now, why would my head put Heather P into my dream, especially where sex is concerned. I do not think of her in that way, she is a pompous, arrogant jerk and a bitch, much like my sister, but not as bad. I just find her very annoying and I cannot stand her. Plus, in all reality any friends of my sister's that are girls she makes a promise that they cannot date any of her brothers, which of course would be me or Ryan. I found out about that through one of her friends, I cannot remember which one, since Heather is not really great about keeping friends. They see how much a bitch she is, they get into an argument, and Heather never speaks to the again, or it is on my sisters terms. That would explain why she and heather have been friends for so long; two peas in a pod who fit all well together.
I am appalled that my mind even through Heather P in there. I mean I have never seen Michelle Williams in every day life either, but she is one of the many actresses I have a crush on. But to replace her with Heather P, it was a serious down grade. Maybe my brain was just scrambling to throw another blonde into my path.
The other thing that really struck me as odd was that I actually said yes, in the dream to have sex with her. Why would I ever do that? Is it possible that I am so lonely my brain picked up on it and just threw any one in there? Out of all the women I know, and would actually in reality consider having sex with, I get her! Just my luck I guess. I still end up alone in the dream any way, well I hope in the shower, pissed at my dad and my sister, and I wake up and realize how alone I am.
I do not think anything like that will happen again. After all it is very rare for me to have recurring dreams, but when i have same themed dreams, well same themed scenery, that is something new, well not new per se, but when it happens it feels like something new. It could even be that some of my 46 friends on my yahoo messenger all have happily in their announcements that they just got engaged and it seems I am just missing out on everything. It takes a lot for me to analyze and realize what I have to come to terms with, just when I do whether it be in waking life or just a dream it always brings me to the same inevitable conclusion... Current Mood: sad
|Sunday, January 30th, 2011|
|Realizing a dream, within a dream...
Captain's Log; Star Date: 11011. 30
When a person realizes their dreams, it is usually while they are awake and can embrace themselves with all the grandeur and wonder that comes with accomplishing something they had worked so hard for. What does it say for me when one of the many things I wanted so much only came to fruition within a dream I had?
Like many people I had crushes in high school. There were a few who stand out amongst the rest, but since I had no one in high school, much like I do now, I imagined and dreamed of what it would be like to be with particular beauties that roamed the halls of West Warwick high school. One of my greatest crushes; Erika Pino who I think I may have convinced after a long time of being within her orbit that I may have had a chance with, but it was never to be. After all she was popular, and I...well I was just not.
Erika was very friendly. I mean she had a lot of friends, and when we were out at the bus stop in the morning she was friendly to me, when she and I did have interaction. But as I grew to know her and she continued every so often to talk to me, I felt that we had shared a kinship. Every time I would start to pull away from humanity and go off into my own little world as I sat in the back of the bus, she would reach out to me or at least try to. I was "brought back to Earth" a few times, but there was one time that I had just had enough of everything, and I put on my headphones and withdrew into myself and to another place.
I think I had been withdrawn for so long one time, when we were riding in the back of the bus, I think she may have asked me to please come back. She had never asked me like that before, almost like she missed me, but even though I heard it through the music I ignored it and passed it off, because of the time it was and the damage from school had all ready been done.
The last time I had any tete en tete contact with her was graduation day at the Warwick tent. We were the last class to be graduating from the summer time recreation that held everything from concerts, wrestling, and comedy to kaleidoscope theatre and other live events that people often enjoyed going too.
She sat in the row in front of me and I think she may have either been directly in front of me or slightly off to my right, and since I was not having a graduation party (why would I; I had no friends, well close friends to invite, and why would I want to invite them into my little own personal hell. As it is now, people I bring now, do not like it at all) I told her something along the lines of, "this is it, it all ends here. We're not going to see one another again, but it was nice knowing you while we had the time."
Not exactly Shakespeare or one of those John Hughes moments, but of the very rare times for me to talk it was always with her. I guess you could say I felt comfortable enough around her to actually in my own way loosen up and be relaxed. Something that was very hard for me to do in high school since I was always keeping my head low.
Yesterday was her birthday, and I wished her a happy one on her page. I have not contacted her since she became my friend on the site, but I usually wish everyone a happy birthday any way. However, after I did that I signed off and went to sleep. Which in turn brings about the dream I had, where it was only in my dream was I able to resolve things with her. Now I know it was not real, I am painfully aware of that fact. We had told each other how we felt and I found out she had liked me as much as I liked her and, like the typical Hollywood ending, it ended happily ever after.
The dream I have all ready written down, so there is no need to rehash it. Besides even if I were to go through it again, I would be even more miserable than I am now. While I still not have figured out the functions of my dreams like that, I know from a logical perspective it was my mind that had wanted it for so long, and maybe it was giving me some sense of closure on the subject. My question is how can there be closure when there was no opening to begin with? After all, it was all in my mind and that is where it resolved itself, but only for me to wake up and realize that it was a dream.
I could reference Jiminy Cricket from 1940 Disney's "Pinocchio" and say "a dream is a wish your heart makes, when you're fast asleep." But I know better, I have not wished or even thought of Erika or I together since the end of high school. I mean I have often thought about her, trying to remember happy times, or times I felt relaxed or comfortable with some one, but never in such in-depth a way as to wish that she and I were together once more and in the romantic sense.
I just wish someone could tell me why this happened. Was it to keep me in place? Or more so remind me of my place in the living world? Are my dreams the only place I am meant to be happy? The real world has let me down way too much, and still continues to do so. I do my best to forge my way ahead, but something always holds me back and I have not been able to figure out what that is either. There are pieces to things I have assembled, that could lead to many possible reasons why but nothing concrete.
Still I wake up and I am cold, alone, and still morbidly depressed. Even more so than I have been in many, many years. I hate feeling like this, and I think there may be something wrong with me that neither, medicine, praying to the god and goddess, or even death may cure. To equivocate my current situation to purgatory, may be a just analogy, but it also depends on the day; purgatory or hell, what will it be this week? Current Mood: crushed
|Saturday, January 22nd, 2011|
|New Year; No New Resolutions and trying to understand the Human myth of ringing it in with some one
Captains Log; Star Date 110701. 22:
The first month of the brand new year is almost over, and I have all ready had two, well technically three events that lead me to believe that this year is not going to be any different than any other.
The first event; ringing in the new year at the Comedy Connection. There is nothing wrong with that, I did it last year and I enjoyed it very much. In point of fact I was also invited to a toga party, via Facebook invite, but never received the actual invitation. I would have gone, had I been able to have wifi access at home, instead of reading the invite late. However, I had fun nonetheless, well my own kind of fun. I was around people that i knew and felt comfortable around, but yet at the same (as with a lot of social functions I have attended lately) I still feel very much alone. I have done my best not to dwell on it, but yet it is always there in the back of my mind and if I am not careful, or aware, the notion will always creep back to the front, instead of remaining on the back burner, where thoughts of that nature should stay locked away. As it chimed midnight and welcomed in January first every one that was there and coupled, which was pretty much every one all kissed or did many of the welcoming signs of merriment for yet another year closer to death.
In as many celebrations of the new year I have been too, I have never understood the belief of welcoming in the new year with a special some one is akin to some odd belief that those people will be spending the year together. In fact, that makes as little sense to me as the idea, or the belief that as soon as two people step underneath a mistletoe, they are supposed to kiss. I still cannot wrap my mind around that idea, but that is a different belief for a different time when I am not analyzing this trend of human custom. For as long as I can remember I have never rung in the new year with any one, which the belief my lend some relevance of truth too, but since I have started dating, I have never been with any one for the holiday season, the wretched red holiday, or any other poignant critical juncture of human dating rituals.
I have much eluded to the fact that my handle matches the way it is meant for me. No matter what friends I have that wish I did not say such things, or think I am being to emo for my own good, I have to stay on track and see what is right in front of me. I am still "stuck" somewhere, and have not figured a way out. Obviously I am not smart enough to figure a way out of this loneliness death trap that I am in. While others before me have resigned that self to the fact of the destined solitude before them, I cannot imagine at some point they did want companionship in their lives, there may have even been a strong desire for it, but fate and the universe dealt them the cards they were dealt and they all seemed to find other ways to live comfortably with it.
The second event; my new year was kicked off with a literal bang, and a loud crash and boom mixed in as well. I was going to Central Falls to take Ashleigh on a food shopping excursion which I am more than happy to do. It is when she uses me to run various errands that drain my gas tank of the needed fuel for the week, that bother me. So it is Sunday, January 2nd and I am driving, I make it to the highway entrance, and i remember clearly getting on the highway and moving with the flow of traffic; hell I even remember getting into the high speed lane which I usually do, but after that is all blank. The next think I know, i wake up after my vehicle had an argument with a jersey/cement barrier, and the jersey barrier won, successfully totaling my vehicle, and the paramedic taking my blood sugar then telling me it was sixteen, but when I had done it earlier in the afternoon it was a a regular one hundred and eight level; a tolerable and desired number for my glucose levels to be at.
I took every precaution. I ate before I left so nothing like that would happen and I am normally good, but fate, the universe, whatever you would like to call it threw me a curve ball, and ended by one source of being able to leave the insanity that is my home. I mean I can still go out, walk, take a bus, if I have the money to get a bus pass, but even walking taxes my sugar, depending on far I walk, and I can walk a sizable distance, but as soon as I take to one of those long walkabouts, and i come to a stop at the destination I have reached, I feel the weakness in my legs, the spinning in my head, and the draining of all my energies, and I have to reach into my emergency kit (which I carry with me for that very reason) and grab the essentials that i need to bring me back to tolerable parameters.
My one night I usually get out of the house, Wednesday has also been thwarted by my lack of a vehicle. I know I am not that social, but in the PIC i posted RIP Vincent, I think that was quite the apropos title for the image. I might as well be dead any way. I have never had much of a life, but I did look forward to going out to karaoke on Wednesday's and even though I did not sing all the time, again I went to the connection and I was there surrounded by people I knew, or was getting to know, and now it has been taken away from me.
I have often said I was cursed, in fact since I was anointed with this miserable disease that I have that makes me a ticking time bomb as far as accidents, or collapsing in the middle of somewhere while people stare and wonder not knowing what to do, and the people that do know what is wrong with me, scares them when they see me like that; I am beginning to believe more and more that I am enclosed in a tomb I was never meant to be let out of. So not only to of the emptiness of the lone solitude of my existence, I have this medical condition that does a number on me any time it chooses, even if I do my very best to take care of myself and has me rely on prescriptions to take care of myself that I am dependent on to live, or else I would die. I am a walking, talking natural disaster and as sick of it as I am, nothing can be done about it.
So needless to say I think the signs for what will be entailed in my year to come, is pretty much as morbid and depressing as it usually is, so my year is looking to be the same ole, same ole as usual.
The third event; now this event I cannot talk about to much, but it involves the point of moving on, and how other people are able to do it, and again I am "stuck" feeling left behind. It literally hurts me. I try thinking of other things, or other reasons why people do not get back to me; I know in the back of my mind because it is always there and I always seem to be aware of this fact is that they have or are moving on with their lives, and I am left to my own devices.
I am happy that friends are able to move on and stuff, but when I see posts, and missing events that make that them happy that I wish I could have been there to take part in to show my support. I should stop reading all the updates on my facebook, and other social sites I am on, that would help me greatly, but when something catches my eye, it is there and I read because I am interested to find out what is going on. I know myself, I am clinically depressed, or I am not a certain extent, and as much as people try to cheer me up and accentuate the positive I cannot because I am in so much pain and I cannot go through the would with blinders on.
I have always wanted so much to be one of the normal few, I mean being normal is highly overrated, maybe it is more of a feeling of belonging I have always wanted, but was never able to successfully achieve it. It is true "words are like weapons; they wound some times," but I always seem to be wounded, or injured in someway. Recovering would be easy and I can, and have done numerous times, but the wounds turn into scars and when they are opened again and they pour salt in, in addition to reopening them it hurts. I myself have been known to think way to far into things, but think I have done better in keeping myself in control and in perspective of what my current relationships are and again I fall back to I am still the one destined to be alone. Current Mood: crushed
|Sunday, December 19th, 2010|
|I thought mistletoe was supposed to be common at holiday parties...
Captain's Log; Star date 10121. 19:
My brother and Dan through their annual holiday party last night. As much as I have grown discontent with the giving season, and holidays in general, I went because I like hanging out with Dan and Ryan. They are cool people to be around. It is Dan's significant other that throws a huge monkey wrench into the fun times that are had.
Ryan and Dan have never hung mistletoe and they did not change that tradition last night. I walked in and every one was nice, or as nice as Katie could manage through her fake acting veneer, while at the same time looking down her nose at other people like the "Jewish Princess" she is. In face Ryan and Katie were sitting at the table continuing with the food preparation, while Dan was at the stove, tending to a vinaigrette and fig sauce to put over a delicious hours d'ourve that was endive wrapped in pres-chute (Italian Ham) to which Katie, throughout the entire night, called it Italian Bacon. What the frack? It is fucking Italian Ham you annoying little, pugilistic know it all bitch.
Any way, as the party got underway, drinks of course were served. They had cider, just like the kind they make a "Julian's" a favorite restaurant they visit, and they lit up and smoked two kinds of weed, the most memorable of which I remember was called "Purple Urkel." There was a point in the night, the party had only been underway for about an hour and a half, and Katie put one drink down, forgot where she put it, and asked Dan to make her another one, just as she sat in the same spot she was sitting in to find out that it was on the side of the couch so no one would knock it over. Pretty much she was double fisting her cider with the Stoli Vanilla in it.
I am sure you all know where it went from there. The snacks for the night were running out, so Dan made his own chocolate fondue from scratch. Now I could not sample it, but it looked and smelled absolutely wonderful. However in the midst of the preparation of the fruit. Dan raised his voice to Katie, just so he could be heard over the music, because her lazy ass could not get up to help him since she was in one of her high/drunken frames of mind, and she thought Dan was yelling at her, which was starting a heated argument.
I do not know why Dan continues to put up with her self-imposed bull shit. I mean yes I am lonely, and I know how hard it is in the dating world out there, but he was doing perfectly fine before she entered the picture, and I am sure he could do fine without here. Hell I have not been in a relationship in two years, and yes I am very, very lonely and saddened when I see other couples in happy relationships, but come one Dan would not be that hard up for sex. He like my brother have tons of hot friends, and my brother has had sex with many of his friends, and i am sure Dan could have a various assortment in front of him if he so chose, but he stays with that evil, contemptible bitch; and people call me blind *sigh*
After the gift exchange I left of course. One of the major reasons being I was so tired, and I just wanted to get home to my own bed. I mean the holiday party is a PJ party any way, but I never bring my pajamas with me. I do not have an aversion to sleeping over any where, in point of fact, I spent a couple of nights over at Dan and Ryan's apartment when they lived in West Warwick, without a problem. Katie is the only variable that makes it so difficult to deal with.
I have had it up to here with holding things in. While the live journal provides an outlet for my pent up feelings, I still hold them in reserve because while I am the quiet one out here, I have to be the strong one. I have to be the one who puts up a brave front and just grins and bares it. I am not combative by any means, nor do I like confrontation, but how do I actually lean on a real person, when I am supposed to be the one who is calm, cool, and collected and always has his mental faculties. What is the definition of an idiot? Ah yes someone who continues to repeat the same thing over and over again, expecting different results.
My father's birthday party was no different. Only at last minute on Friday, the other contemptible shrew in my life, my sister, texts me and asks me if I have the money to pay my own way at dinner. Now, Muse, my mom, and I were planning a fun night of activities on Saturday night; basically pizza and a game night. My mom however had gotten ill and she did not want to make Muse and I ill, so she asked if we could reschedule, which we are currently in the midst of planning.
Earlier in the day, I had a very nice lunch outing with Muse and hanging out afterward, until my sister sent me that text in which sent me over the top. I did not want to go to the fucking dinner, but I was going to be the only line of defense for my mother. Ryan undoubtedly could have defended her, but he keeps his mouth shut and does not do much. Me? I am at my braking point with everyone in that stupid family and I just need the right person or event to light the wick that will eventually lead to me exploding.
I did not eat dinner. I just sat there like a moron and watched basketball on the TV. The bad part to that was my sister was on my end on the opposite side and I was keeping my eye on her as well. I grew tired of sitting there, so I just up and left. My mom was not ready to go, but she had just finished eating her dinner and Ryan and Dan were making ready to leave. I wanted to make sure that she was not going to be left in a place surrounded by the likes of my dad, my sister and her boyfriend, Nikki Jackson, and Bill McGrath. Nikki Jackson a good day is friends with my bitch of a sister and Bill McGrath is a long time childhood friend of my irritable, dumb ass, sperm doner to my mother (aka my father.)
I am tired of it all. I have had enough, and something needs to change soon, or no one will be same from my wrath.
|Thursday, November 25th, 2010|
|Previously, in "episodes" you may have missed...
Captain's Log; Star date 101105. 25:
As promised I am going to fill in the blanks so that my previous entry "The Darkness of the Holidays..." can be better interpreted for the viewing audience, if any one is watching.
My last log entry was back in May of 2008, at that time I was still grinning ear to ear as my life was in a full upswing. I was dating the ever so beautiful Muse, the prospect of going back to school, and my mother and father amidst a divorce, that I think was a long time coming. Yes, that is correct was. She was the one who brought up the idea that she had been thinking about. I believe she opened with, "you know this isn't going to work?" After she had said that it did not take me long to put the pieces together of what she was talking about. I did not want to admit it, but being in the instance I could not think of a logical argument why it could, I agreed with her. I know I should have done more, I should have fought harder I should have at least done something, but it was too little, too late. Muse and I dated for four months, new record for me, very positive on my account and the happiest I had ever been with any body. Currently we are getting along very well on the friendship level and I could not be more happier.
My parents divorce was finally settled toward the end of 2008/ beginning of 2009. Despite my dad acting like an immature child, holding on to what he could to make my mother suffer even further, she is free at last, free at last great god o mighty free at last from the house of horrors I am currently residing in. From there it only gets better...
Since the separation, threats of my eviction have been few, but they (my dad and my sister) make sure I still know who rules the roost. Since my mother has left Heather, my sister has taken over the house, as it were as her own. She makes the big decisions, everything, or almost everything my dad does he runs by her, and by the same token any improvements she suggests to this house or the summer house down on Johnston Pond he comes forthwith, when my Mom and he would talk about redoing something or improvements she would have liked done, he totally passed it off. Not only has my sister spread her plumage as it were, but she and my dad have gone to the extent of blaming me for giving my mother the idea to get a divorce. Like I could convince some one my mother’s age to go out and do something as monumental as declaring her declaration of freedom from an over confident, self-proclaimed know it all, ambitious, controlling, zealot that thinks he is it for everything and anything Rhode Island related, he is supposedly “the man”, and I use the word man loosely. It mixes nicely with my sister being also controlling, manipulative, power hungry, seething, contemptible bitch who is on a strict liquid diet.
I did my best to move on with my social life, or as close as I could get to one, but with me being as socially awkward as a man with leprosy, I was not having much luck. Before I bought my lap top I was using the CCRI (Community College of Rhode Island) computer lab and the Cranston Public library for my internet and mail checks. At the beginning of the semester where I was scheduled to graduate from, I found myself always being sat next too by a drop, dead, gorgeous beauty. I thought nothing of it, she was just a student going there and so was I, nothing in come at all. Besides if I even thought I may have had a chance with a woman like that, I would have been locked up in padded cell for life.
This girl, Amanda, started talking to me. I wasn’t too forthcoming with my exchanges with her and stuff, but the more interest she showed, the more I began opening up and thinking that I may have had a descent shot with her. So I stupidly fell into her trap. The truth is all in the details.
I became so comfortable with her, that I told her about Dan, my friend, who was a comedian and she expressed much enthusiasm about seeing a live comedian. Dan, fortunately, had a show coming up, and I invited her to it. So I went to the pub in Cranston where he was performing, and I was very excited and high with anticipation for my first date with her. However, as show time neared, I kept looking towards the entrance, but she never came. I called her and she never called me back. She sent me a text the next day saying that her grandmother had died. I sent my condolences and wished her well and told her I would see her at the lab after the weekend was over.
Day after day passed, after that weekend, and I did not see her again. Again I did not think anything of it, if I had , I may have been spared what happened next. I went to my inbox one day and found and email from her. It was an email thanking me for helping her to win a bet, that she could make a lonely, homely guy feel wanted. She proceeded to tell me what she had won, amongst her winnings she supposedly won a lot of cash plus many other prizes that she liked to rub in my face. To add insult to injury she sent me another email a couple of weeks later basically telling me that her friends were reporting to her that I still went to the lab and I looked like “a lost puppy dog.” Or something like that, she just continued to rub salt in the wound of what was all ready ripped open, my always vulnerable heart.
I have no one else to blame but myself for this. I shouldn’t have been taken in by such a rouse, but me being the gullible fool I am, I went for it hook line and sinker. Now I ask you, am I that much of a fool? Wait, do not answer that, I think I all ready know the answer and it is a painful realization, that I always keep coming back too, and is reflected in my handle of my live journal. Destined to be alone is more than a state of mind; for me I fear it is going to be the way I am for the rest of my life. I have no right thinking I have an kind of shot at a normal existence with a human beauty every again. I messed that up, in fact I always seem to be the one messing things up. Some one who is as serious as me, creeps people out way to much, as soon as a beauty talks to me I should suspect the worst. Hell I barely trust any one as it is; why should I give up the safety of DTA. Hell I am alone as it is, and I frankly do not see a way around it. No matter how much I try to fit in, or I try to change to make myself seem more appealing it is always all for naught. I am truly a fool if I continue this course and keep expecting different results. No matter what it always blows up in my face.
My brother Ryan and his friend/roommate Dan lived in an apartment in West Warwick; it couldn’t have been more than a mile or two up the road from the current house where I reside. Things were going well there, Dan began his career as a comedian and Ryan was working as his manager/booking agent. However, Dan began seeing some one. I know I have an open mind, I do not cast dispersions on any one or anything. Her name is Katie, and she is a psychology major, working on her doctorate. Obviously she is smart, and she lives in Providence, but her folks and her sister live in Narragansett. Her parents are both doctors and I think she may have mentioned her sister was working on a doctorate or becoming a doctor as well. After three or four months of dating each other Katie poses to Dan that they move in together, and he was not going to go anywhere without Ryan, as loyalty goes Dan showed real camaraderie and I give him major points for that. Long story short; Ryan and Dan move to Providence with Katie and her roommate Dave who from all appearances is some sort of super genius. I know I am easily intimidated by people, but when he, Katie, and his friends start talking I get even more withdrawn, self-conscious, and deeply depressed because I thought I was a smart guy, but these people put me to shame. I have not right thinking I am any kind of relevant intelligence beyond what I have learned from life, books, and growing up, being raised by the television.
Over the summer Dan had a birthday party. It was originally going to be at the summer house, which I think there was a brief celebration down there, but Katie, not to be out done had to out do us all. She threw a party at her Parents house in Narragansett, which was just a mere stone’s throw away from the beach. Not too bad. I went there my perfectly normal (or as close to normal as I can get) self and I had a couple of drinks, not enough to get wasted, but just enough to have a good buzz going on, but Dan started to give me water and make sure that when everyone was eating, that I had eaten something as well. I started to feel like myself again after being a little loopy, I was fine and on an even keel. We walked to the beach, Katie insisted on bringing alcohol to the beach and we marched. We arrived and people got in the water or sat on the sand and had a good time. Katie was so blitzed out of her mind (not only was she drunk, but I think she was higher than a kite.) Now I do not have a problem with any one being drunk or high, but the way Katie drinks, I will put it like this, she drinks like a fish and as far as I know every time she has been to the house she has never been stone sober, only stoned.
Still my judgment remained adamant. I wasn’t going to think anything or let any stray thought come into mind. Was it the mere fact that I was being oblivious to what was really going on? Katie made my friend Dan happy and all I every want for my friends is for them to be happy. The day wore on and it eventually became night. Katie’s parents wanted to retire for the night, so any one who wanted to continue with the party, the festivities continued up at the apartment in Providence. I went up to this after party, party and I was having a good time sober..
Two of their San Salvadorian neighbors made their way upstairs from the party they were having with corona’s lining the porch, it was a AA patron’s who is on the brink, worst nightmare. Any way they came to the party and I started to socialize in the front room and one of Dan’s comedian friends had said something funny about the drunk guy who was just there; he had stepped out for a smoke with Dan. He spilled his drink all over Dan’s friends’ head. So when Dan and the drunk Spanish guy come back in the room and he takes his seat where he was before he had left, I start laughing. I do not know what this guy was thinking but he came over to me and started speaking something Spanish. I do not speak it and only understand a few words to get by, but he was doing his version of the seen from either “Good Fella’s” or “Reservoir Dogs” where the actor starts his speech about,” Am I amusing? Do you find me amusing? What about me is so amusing to you?…” It was at that point he took the beer bottle in his hand swung it away from my face, and brought it close up like he was going to smash the bottle into my face. A few of the guests screeched and he backed off, but I took that as my cue to leave.
After the Spanish guy had backed off, I got up, and Katie, the pompous bitch that she is, was sitting there slumped over drunk and high asking for help, which is what I went to provide. On my way over, I tripped over the end table, and knocked a beer over. The next words she said, I’ll never forget. Katie said and I quote, “Vincent, you mess up everything.”
I stopped. What she said had hurt. I mean I am used to people not thinking much of me, or making a funny on my behalf because I do a lot of stupid things, admittedly, but for her to say something like that out loud, I don’t think she had that right. I tried to hold back all the anger, the hurt that I was feeling and I merely passed it off as she was high and drunk and did not know what she was saying. I went to the kitchen to get some paper towels, and I cleaned the mess up that I had made, and I left for the night. In the following days I discovered she remembered everything that she had done that night, so my mind started to reel and I just, well internally, exploded. That lousy, good for nothing pig of a girlfriend that Dan has just insulted me and I did not want to do anything to ruin his day. It was his birthday, he deserved to have a good memorable day, so I have not yet told him nor do I think I will ever. It is far too late to bring it up now. I know better, but I do not like her at all any more. I can tolerate her to a certain extent, I can be nice and civil but that will only get me or last so far. Minor exposure and I will be fine, too much exposure in her oft state that I know her to be too well in and that is when I would more than likely light her up, Dan being there or not.
Who is this spiteful bitch to say to me that I mess up everything? She knows nothing about me. I have a tough time with my self confidence as it is, but what she had said just hurt all the more. Yes I probably need to learn to grow a thicker skin, but Katie knows absolutely nothing about me, and she has the audacity to say something like that to me? Granted one of her roommates is my brother, and I have heard from him that I did not make it easy for him growing up, another instance where I was referred to as a bad older brother. He did not say those words exactly, but if you were to hear it, you could have heard the disdain and disappointment in his voice. At least he was honest with me. That was the first time I was told I was not a good brother; the second will be coming soon. I do not know what Ryan may or may not have told her, if that was the theory behind her reasoning for saying that. No one is perfect, I have admitted that on more than one occasion, but before she makes any more commentary to me or about me whether is high or not, she should take a long hard look in the mirror about what she is doing in her relationship. Oh and by the way, at the Halloween Party there were a number of DC Comics character there. I myself was Batman, Ryan was Superman, Mat was Jimmy Olsen, Dan was the Joker (Health Ledger not Cesar Romero or Jack Nicholson) and of course the pompous, Jewish bitch tried to be Harley Quinn thinking it was cute that she and Dan were together, so he could go as Joker’s girlfriend. All I have to say is made one horrible Harley Quinn, I cannot no version of Mr. J would even pay attention to her.
In my humble opinion, the Jewish princess is way too spoiled. She and Dan have not been getting along. They have had their spats. One time Ryan actually left the apartment, no cell phone, only his keys. Katie claims that she does not go to the majority of Dan’s shows is because I believe her claim is, she’s too smart to get the jokes. I think it just matters that you have the ability to laugh. If you find something funny, it just comes naturally. I have seen her laugh at some stupid stuff, but Dan’s stuff is “smart man” material. Some of his fellow comedians dub him the “thinking man’s comedian.” I think it is high praise for him, but Katie just doesn’t get it and I feel sorry for him that he is in a relationship like that. I mean I think she still makes him happy, but they also had an argument at the annual Halloween party that even Gianna walked away from, she wiped her hands of it at that moment. If he is still happy, then the more power to him.
As much as I complain about my sister, I had no one to turn to for help. So I sought her advice on what I should do about the Katie situation. She went through the entire debacle of Katie going through all her boyfriend’s Twisted Tea’s down at the summer house and as she regaled me with her version of what happened. But after that Heather went off on a completely different tangent. She went off on me about how my loyalties should have been with Dad. Did I know that I helped Mom to leave while Dad was supposedly facing skin cancer; news to me. But my mom is just as ill, if not sicker because of her weakened heart condition and his abuse, thought not physical, was and has taken its toll on her. Heather then asked how could she look up to me, when I have been such a horrible older brother because of the sides I chose (her words, but with a translation that I could understand.)
In the midst of this berating, she lectured me on the idea of family loyalty and how I have not been holding up my end of the responsibilities of the house. She did well to remind me that Mom left us and is no where around now; she is off living her life (exact quote from Heather.) She left us behind to fend for ourselves. In fact, according to my sister my mom is bat shit crazy and that was a result of me getting sick when she and my dad went on the back of his motorcycle to Florida. I had gotten sick with a diabetic reaction while they were away, and my sister called them and told that I had gotten sick and my dad said tat they can never go on vacation again because I always get sick when they go away, so Heather essentially told me in your own words it was my fault for the divorce. So now I go from helping in putting the idea in my mom’s head, to the one responsible for the whole freaking thing happening.
Needless to say after feeling like I was in the middle of one of the “Godfather” movies and the infamous “You broke my heart Fredo…” line I was not really feeling all that great. Again, it is not something I do often, but I went to my sister for advice, which she only gives to me after she takes her digs at me where she could, she then offered her advice and said that the problem would be taken care of or more along the lines of that she would talk to dad about having her over for the holidays and stuff. When Dad came to me and asked me about the Katie situation, I told him while I despised Katie, I could manage to be social and fake my way through it as I have done with everything else that involved this family for my entire life. I did not say the last part, but I thought it. Then after Dad reports back to Heather, comes back at me like I am ungrateful or something and said she talked to dad for me, so we would not have the Katie problem. It seems that I just cannot win with her or my dad; then again I am not Dad’s favorite child.
Any sibling can say that their parents play favorites, they do not usually find evidence to contradict or support their suspicions. With they screwed up way my family is, I have found irrefutable proof of just how much my dad Favors my evil bitch of a sister.
Heather’s birthday is November 10th, I never remember when it is, I get confused between the 10th or the 11th but Dad wanted to go out and take his little girl for a birthday dinner. As spoiled as she is, she gets spoiled even more. She spurned a birthday card that my mother had left for her, just thinking that it came from not her mother any more, she just refers to her as Carla. She has referred to her as the woman who spit Ryan and I out. The next day, I went through the cards to even see if she opened the one from my mother. She did not, but during the search a check fell from one of the cards. Now at first glance, it looked like it had said $40, but I had to look again when I went to put it back in the card, and it was not $40, it was $400 along with the message from dear old dad that said, “Heather, May this day be happy and the year that follows be great. I hope the enclosed helps that year in being one you remember. Love Dad.” There was no specificity as to what to spend it on. If it was to go towards bills I would understand because according to her she is behind, but oh no. It sounds like carte blanche to me to spend it on whatever she likes. Hell she is going to Cancun on a cruise with her friends next month, and then in January, with her bonus instead of putting it toward something smart, like bills or something, no she is going to buy a new car because she is unhappy with the one that she is with.
Heather has some unbelievable nerve. She makes more money than I do, and she is frivolously throwing it all away on a brand spanking new vehicle, she all ready has a 2010 model car, in January she will be going for a 2011 car. I mean Damn! Dad always throws in my face how I am costing him thousands of dollars because of the prescriptions I am on for my diabetes and idiopathic epilepsy, but he does not even bat an eye when he drops $400 in Heather’s lap; if that doesn’t to declare how much he loves his daughter more than me, I do not know what else would.
I am used to being tortured by the bastard. From physical abuse when I was a child, to continuing emotional and mental abuse as an adult. I am in an unhealthy environment and always seem to get the short end of the stick. As many times as I have told or been suggested to try to see the positive in all of this, I have done my best. I am thankful I have a roof over my head, I am thankful to have food and nourishment even if my Dad goes on month long shopping strikes because he is too tired by the time he gets home from volleyball games on Saturday night (which is as late as I have ever known him to stay out), and I am thankful for the clothes I have on my back. I am also lucky to be in a place I am not charged rent, yet, but as I have stated before I have been notified of my pending eviction on a number of occasions, more times than I care to admit in fact.
And to elaborate on my sister’s long winded speech; I do not owe my loyalty to any one. And those that have heard my loyalty and I am loyal too, know that I can be. There a very few people in my life that I am above and beyond loyal too and I think they would attest to it on my behalf, or I would hope that they would. In my opinion I owe my dad and Heather absolutely nothing. I give what I can, I do what I can and still do not get any respect or recognition around here, not that I fight for it, but a little bit every now and then in my direction wouldn’t hurt. I should not have to prove myself to family or any one else that is supposed to show me love unconditionally but I seem to always fall into the same trap and I cannot wrap my head around why I constantly do this to myself.
What I have I learned from constantly bashing my head against a concrete wall? Though my head is not bruised on the outside, it is more an internal thing. I have come to the realization that I think my Dad is only keeping me alive to keep my mom happy, and I am thankful for that. If it were up to him, as emo or dark as this may sound, I think the next time I were to have a reaction, he would not care either way because it would lessen the bills on him and he could be happy with his little girl, his only ally in this entire debacle. It hurts when I think like that, but in the same motion it is a realization that I have to keep in the back of my mind and come to accept. It is a harsh reality when I have to think like that, but how else am I to rationalize it with my logic?
See the recesses of my mind are a dark and perilous place to go. Any one who wants to get inside I do not let in, because of all the pit falls and traps that linger there. Is it any surprise that while I do let people in, I do not let them all the way in? Or that when people ask me what is wrong, why I do not always voice it or I do not always know how to voice it? It is because of that fact, or one of the many facts that I keep most things close to the vest and until I am able to logically figure things out myself, that I do not think I should burden people with my meager little drama’s that I may simply be able to figure out myself without dragging everyone else into it. I think I am kind of saving people in that manner. I am saving people from more headaches and more pain than they may want to deal with, no matter how close they are to me.
What is it that I have learned while I was away from writing in the LJ world? I have learned that I do not put up any kind of fights, I am more so the kind of person who just lays down to die. I have learned that even in my current state, that I am gullible to any pretty face that would give me the time of day. I am a poor excuse for an older brother, not giving my brother or sister much guidance to look to in the times they need help. I fall flat on my face without a doubt every single time because the fates find it much funnier. I have learned that while other people I know or have known are allowed to move on, I still remain frozen in a desolate lonely bubble. By the time I do decide to do something I am very often too late, or let so much time pass by there is no need to bring it up at a later date. Also I have learned my mind does not function like every one else’s; it is loopy, strange, out of the box, conformed and bound by logic that does not make sense and I find myself not making any sense the majority of the time that I talk to any one. Oh and let us not forget that I cannot for one single second put my thoughts into actual words hence the reason people pull away from me. They think I do not tell them everything, and when I have they do not believe what I say, and my favorite expression as of late always seems to be “I don’t know.” All this leads to the inevitable conclusion that I myself was never meant to be happy with any one. I do not have the brain to electrify others to appease there hunger for more knowledge or really big critical thinking situations and when I dubbed myself the Beast, it was more than a mean moniker the kids in school use to call me, I literally creep beauties out, so they stay as far away from me as possible. Why so serious? You tell me; I can never lighten up for anything.
See, my mind never stops. It is always running, thinking leaping over all kinds of obstacles to keep secrets buried. I try to hide the expressions from my face, but it doesn’t mean that my eyes do not betray me. Even when I am in the company of friends, I still feel so alone, so out of touch with everyone else that I cannot always hide that I drift off and wonder what would have been or could have been or how it could be different if only this or that….
Now that you are caught up on “episodes” you may have missed, the only way to go is forward, right? I have seen an actual tv show that made me realize, if I want to learn to fly, I have to let go of what is holding me down, or holding me back. I want to learn to fly again, to soar, to feel free, and the sun light on my face even I do not like the sun all that much and feel the wind flowing through my air. To be free again, if only I could figure out what it is that is holding me back. I do my best to move forward whether it looks like it or not, but I do try my hardest and for some reason it always blows up in my face. I guess learning to fly will come back with time, I just hope it is not too late when I do learn to fly again.
|Monday, November 22nd, 2010|
|Re: The Darkness of the Holidays consume...
Captain's Log; Star Date: 101101. 22:
It has been a long while since I have opened the pages of my live journal to input an entry. When last we left, this "hero" had a lot of good going in his life, personally. The jobs had not worked out thus far, and I am still trying and the economy continues to suffer greatly. However, since last we spoke, my personal life has been shot to hell in a hand basket; things could be bleaker. I mean I could be in horrible health, not have a roof over my head, and not have food to eat, but I am lucky enough to have all that. It is just a matter of things going the way in my life I would like them to go, are not going all that well at all.
The darkness that I have deemed the "holiday season" is no longer looming, it is here. Technically you can say it still looms, because Thanksgiving is not until Thursday, but my miserable holiday season always starts off with the "holiday" I love to hate, my sister's birthday.
That's right, I being my stoic self that day decided to go out to eat with what remains of my family and Heather's ego, but I digress. I went so it would keep my sister from bitching me out about how I am never there or how I do not show loyalty, basically if you ever catch in one of her speeches it sounds like you are in the middle of a Godfather family and you are being lectured by Mother Corlione herself. So I was successful, I went and got a free meal out of it, but my stoicism could not keep the garbage from spewing out of my sister's and father's mouths. My dad with his proclimations of how is family is supposedly so great as he regales us with stories of times gone by and my sister just, as always, has to add her two cents about where current family is one's that she care about any way, and (excuse my language) but I could give two shits about any way. I really do not like my father's side of the the family, to be very honest I hate them to the very fiber of my being. I know hate is a strong word, but I cannot think of a better way to put my feelings into words. With the exception of, as my sister continually sat that bad mouthing our mother (long story I will recant later) the only image I had in my head was of Homer Simpson strangling Bart Simpson like it does in every episode; maybe that is what my sister needs a good throttling. I left the restaurant that night feeling even worse that I have in a long while, and my sisters sense of sarcasm in the car to try to cheer me up I do did not find funny at all, but she was laughing up a storm.
Any way, I find out on Thanksgiving my dad is expecting eleven people over for dinner. That includes my sister and her boyfriend, my cousin Candi (yes her mom spelled it that way when she was born) and her lack luster, idiotic, mindless husband. EJ, one of my brother's best friends, which is cool but he is bringing his girlfriend and her two kids, then Ryan (my brother) is possibly bringing a guest, and the always ultimate variable Dan and his incredibly hideous cow of a girlfriend, the Jewish princess who thinks she is smarter than the world combined and has to brag about it every chance she gets, Katie. Again that is another long story I am not going to have time to get into now, but will in my next entry to clear up any confusion, plus my many other misadventures along the way.
Just after Thanksgiving is Christmas, and that holiday is going to blow balls just as this one is. I find myself sinking deeper, and deeper into a misery I would like very much to gain control of and inflict it upon the people who have darkened my days since I have been back home from Florida. But I cannot, and that is a horrible to think right? But those miserable fuckers at the house deserve it no? Well in my mind they do. It may not make much sense to any one else out there, but once I fill in the majority of the blanks I have left out, hopefully people may see where I am coming from. Though to get within the dark recesses of my mind I am not sure any one would come back from...
|Monday, October 20th, 2008|
|Re: Shot Through The Heart...
Captain's Log: Stardate 08102. 20:
A very apropo title, if you are human or mortal. I imagine what love does to a normal person who has been jilted by it or is constantly being used as a personal inside joke to cupid and his quivwer of arrows.
However, from my perspective it feel more like a stake in my heart. Easy way to get rid of me I know. I am not human, well i have never been considered human, or able to relate with humans in any special way, so what am I really? The only possible conclusionI can come too is I am some sort of viscous, primortial monster that people of this world cannot name, or are afraid to give a name too. But as I have been used to being called the Beast and of course as I was constantly referred to as that, the name kind of grew on me, I cannot help but think; maybe a stake would work better on me, or maybe if one were to shoot me in the heart with silver bullets. Whatever method these people have found to get rid of their monsters would probably be a good way for them to eliminate my homliness and my being from this plane of exsistence.
I draw my conclusion from this; with my destined to be alone aptiude towards things from the human world I can look back on all the mythical creatures that the humans have created, but for all of a better purpose of life, or simply not given a chance for fear of what their insatiable habits lead them too, all of them from the classic monster movies of yore end up getting it in the end, and end up alone and dead while the hero prevails and amd gets the girl and all the glory.
Dracula: A noble by birth rught, but cursed because of him turning against a being he had battle for so bravely until his love was taken from him because of an act of sabotage from the waring parties it fought against in ancient persia. While granted he wakes up in the here and now to be with mortals again, that are now his food, but I hardly thinks when he wakes up he has the inital thought of "lets go see who I can bring across to join me in eternal damnation. And besides his blood lust has also been proven to be satisfied by the blood of pigs, cattle, sheep, or goats. Not his fault that he crosses onto a farmers land and sees a good source of "food" but it is owned by some one. So here you have a perfectle able and well functiona noble who is lonely and hungry, but unfortunately, when he gets that first whiff of blood, his insatiable hunger acts up. I am sure, if given the chance and had control over his blood lust, or been given an ample supply of blood from a local butcher something, then he would have no problem being social, or finding beauty that may be able to help him get over his long lost love. But no, the humans are scared of what they do not understand, and insist on hunting him down when he is vulnearble during the day. While I must admit to Joss Whedon's version of just hiding during the day, not necissarily sleeping gave them a better chance of survivng, Count Dracula never had a chance to defend himself from Van Helsing and Jonathan Harker. How did it end? A stake in his heart and he died alone.
Frakenstein's Monster: While the doctor was no doubt trying to make advancements in medical science as far the time he was lviing in. He had to experiment somewhere, so he built himself a companion, Igor was an assisatnt so he couldn't have used him, I am sure good help to work for a dcotr they called a mad scientist was not all that fourth coming back in the day. Any way, so he mad a man and played God. Or so some thought, had any one stopped to think how working all those long hours with only Igor to keep him company was maybe wearing on his confidence, the man was down righrt lonely. Trying to help his fellow man,and his work continues to go on unrecognized. Dr. Frakenstein's poor monster never had a chance. Again he was a being, that once he saw how other humans interacted wanted to try to fit in, but because he was different, they would not accept him, formed a lynch mob, chased him down to a windmill, trapped him inside, and then lit the windmill a blaze as the poor creature burned. The good Docotr not only lost a friend but kind of a son as well, and it pained him deeply. So we come to the sequel the bride of Frakenstein. You know; the woamn with e marge simpson air do, and the Rogue streaks of white in her hair. Again he was compensationg for the loss of his original creature which he brought back so he could his monster could share his life with some one. What happens in both though? Again they are considered freaks, unwanted because they are not like a normal human at the time, and are unaccepting. The two creations may have found each other, but again they end up getting killed by closed minded village people and dying alone. His wife dies before he does, but i think he sees it happen. So not only does he die, he dies with a broken heart because he could do nothing to help her.
Werewolf/Wolf man: Now here is an intersting creature. He is his own best freind, if he could remember turning into the creature that comes out when the moon is full. He is a guy also seeking acceptance, but does not find it. Because the guy has a slightly hairy split personality disorder, he is shunned for it, and attacked with silver bullets, that end up killing him at the end. And what is even more distrurbing is his hinderance towards silver. So they hunter has to go melt down as much silver he can, miold the bullets himself, just to become a hero. While the canis lupus syrum had not been developed, it would benefit man to have that instead of killing the Beast and the man. Perhaps even, if you look at it from a modern perspective and intergrate the split off from the human it emerges from, it may be a whole lot easier instead of always having to put them down like some kind of rabid animal. But because of the human's unwillingess to try to understand, instead instanrly saying the creature has to be destroyed, we have a creature and a man who suffers alone without any understanding and of course alone.
Creature from the Black Lagoon: While I am not all to familiar with this particular creature, he seems to be drawn upon from many references. A creature who comes out seeking and wanting acceptance. Does one think his original intentions are to scare and terrorizer people? No! Just he cannot speak human tongue, because he has spent all of his life communing with fishes and other sea creatures. A modern day merman, only he is all fish scale and not half human half fish. he has an enormosu lung capacity, hell he is from the deep forget lungs he has gills, and if he was aceepted I am sure he could have been part of some amature swim team and if not swam for them helped them in getting better accustomed to reavelign through the water. Again, I do not know how the movie ends per se, but I know they end up going after the poor creature because of his differences, and their not fully understanding what he was there for, for all they know he could have been defending his home from peopkle who have trespassed, but they never know will they because they chase the creature down, or more so hunt him and kill him and he ends up dying alone.
Was any one able to pick up ona them here? While I would never even try to compare self to such awesome inspiring creatures, I cannot help but feel a kinship with them as far as being misunderstood and not seeing beyond the physcial manifestion they represent. I am sure they longed to want to be a part of the human world, but their situations prevented them from being accepted and understood.
Ah well, I am used to it by now and I am sure a lot of them, if they had been allowed to live would have been very accepting and understanding if given the proper time and patience to learn that they just do not belong and drift back into the background without so much as making a peep. I have learned, or tried to learn to make myself as unobtrusive and invisble as possible, but yet some how, when i do come out, i find myself with hope that this time I may be accepted, but it all turns out badly in the end for me.
My damaged, broken heart still lay in pieces, but I think it may slowly be rebuilding. It is just a shame that I am never going to be able to use it again, or in the capacity it is meant to be used as far as loving another person goes, because if it is one thing that this life has taight me so far that no matter who one gives their heart too it is just going to continue to get broken. So why bother any more? I can put chains around my heart and lock it up tight and make it able to continue to keep me alive, but as for other functions whether real or not it will never be seen again. I do not think mine was ever to be used except if a human wants to get a good laugh at my expense because they know, all those who are watching, that I will end up being as I have always been...alone. Current Mood: contemplative
|Friday, October 17th, 2008|
|Re:Think, Think, Think....oh bother!!!!!
Captain's Log: Stardate 08106.17:
I have been in a very dark and brooding place as of late. I have not been happy, nor am I ever happy but that is besides the point. As i sit there, or as I continue to think about things that have gone wrong, or what is wrong with me, I cannot help if the personal criticsm and creating I have received over the years are all right leading me to not even being a blip on the radar, then again have I ever been anything to any one other than a nuiscance, or a hindering attachment that can be severed and thrown into the trash.
Look at my life now; I am unemployed, and as hard as I look for a job it does not seem to get any easier. Hell I have even been turned down for Christmas help. As I am rejected from all the interviews I have been on I cannot help but think and give point to what a freind told me about not giving a very personable air to me. I am way to stiff, I am not social or flirtatious, and most of all I do not know how to relax. All kinds of deep and scarring words come back to how anti-social I am, and yet I have no one to blame but myself. It has been a trait I have developed since childhood and look at me now I am paying for it in everything I do, or I should say try to do.
Above all I am still alone. You know, perhaps my arrogant, pompous father was right when he told me I would never be able to live with anyone, or I should say no one would want to live with me. I cannot help but think he is right because again look at me so far; a burden with this damn disease I live with and as much as people take me to take care of myself and I do take care of myself when an attack happens, it happens out of the blue which is was kills me most of all because when I do want to have fun or when I do want to do something, I am hindered because I have to make sure I have eaten enough, or I eat too much because I am not sure how much is enough to make me stable enough to live off of what little I usually consume, but alas I am still left with being alone. Look at me now, my monicker is holding quite true, and as much as I am told to try to be optimistic, or I am advised to try to put a positve spin on things I just cannot seem to put a positve spin on it because I have nothing, I am nothing that can obtain that positive mood for long.
My confidence has always been in limited supply. However, when I do get something going in my life where I start to develop a little confidence and I am at a place that is feeling really good and comfortable, that is when things start to go down hill. I mean I would love to have a little more self confidence, to know I can go out there and charm any one with a smile, or have people look me and think I am attractive in some unique way, but truth is, I am not. I am just the mild mannered stero-typical nerd who is looking for the phone booth or nearest broom closet to turn into the person I think and believe I am really meant to be, but who the fucking hell am I kidding? I am never going to amnount to much any way, as hard as I try to pursue my dreams, I am constantly reminded I need to have connections inside the business in order to go places, but me being stuck here in Rhode Island, I do not even have half a chance.
As I sit here at the computer lab, I am thinking also how much of an actual failure I will be. I mean yes I am going back to school yay for me. I am going to finish my associates, if I am even get past this prerequiasite course. But even a simple 0500 course (which is supposed to be really easy math) I cannot do because I do not have a calculator. I do all the work out on paper and I cannot come up with the right anwer, however the calculator does, and they say I cannot use one unless I have a written medical excuse documenting that I have some sort of Math learning deficiancy. I have been stating that to every one who asks for how many years? I have gone to all kinds of people for help, hell I even use the damned school tutors who are supposed to be good at teaching other people math concepts, but no matter how it is taught or explained to me, I just do not get and I do not think any one will ever understand that. My mind, my brain cannot wrap itself around math in general, well more speciafically the stupid fractional problems, and fucking word problems, but they do not call them word problems any more, they have some other special name for them, which as fancy as it may sound, does not cover up the fact that they are two fucking complicated and I do not need more complications in my life or anything else that makes me think so hard.
To be quite honest, this darkness that has eclipsed me more so than it usually has, has had me thinking, "what if I were to die?" I mean I would be out of everyone's life so I am not being a hinderance to them any more. They will not be sad, they can continue to move on with their lives without worrying (not that they would worry) about having to see me and me be a contant reminder of the biggest mistake of their lives. I mean I am nothing more than wasted componests of what is supoposed to be some sort of representation of a human being. If I were to die, I would not have to worry about job security, and paying bills. But then my logic kicks in and reminds me that even if I do die there will still be bills others have to take care of when I am gone, so even in that instance I am shrouded by the face that even in death I would be nothing more than a hinderance to other people (more so my family in the bills aspect) who would just try to move on eith their lives. In face I doubt I will even be thought of after I am gone, except when the bilss come in and they curse my name because of the idiot I was in life.
I cannot tell any one this. Why? Because I do not know how to speak to people. I cannot communuicate afleuntly enopugh. I mean the basis of my vocabulary when i do speak is "that's cool" or "nice" or some other stupid one or two word phrase which requires the least amount of thought or effort to put into it. I always thought listening was one of my better aspects, but listening is not good unless I can return the sharing with some intellectual thought behind what is going on. Even now I am probably sounding like a whiney baby, which I never want to sound like. Why do people think I do not share? Why do people not think I speak? I keep all my self loathing and all my fears and all these trivial matters to myself because no one wants to be bothered with what I think or have to say. I am no better than a gnat some one can either flick off their shoulder or squash with a hard enough slap.
Any one can say I am too hard on myself, and you know what? I do not care. Because as much as people do not want to admit it, I am telling the written in stone truth of what I really am. I am not smart, funny, charming, cute, etc, etc people just blurt out to try to make me smile. The fact of the matter is, I am stating what everyone else all ready knows, they just do not speak of it for fear I may find out and cause my shattering to my all ready barely, if ever it exsistend confidence. I am wreck, I apread nothing but havoc and anarchy. What the hell am I good for? Would some one please tell me? I have nothing, so I am nothing right? Do not get me wrong I live in a house which I am thankful for, I have food I can eat and clothign to put on my back. And granted there are people with a lot more problems out there than what I have. Some one could actually suggest I go get some help or something. Truth is, nothing will ever help. Everything I am going through is my burden to bare alone.
I give up. I am not going to fight any more, I have nothing to fight for. I shall just continue to go through my life on auto pilot, being nice when I can and have too, being happy for others. Get any job I can to make the necessary money I need. I mean I am not going anywhere. Did any one ever really think I would? I will continue on this path, on my self sustaining auto pilot, not feeling anything. Being worthless and nothing, constanctly being people's door mat. I am on this course until the great equalizer comes to claim me. When the hooded spirit, sickle in hand comes to claim me, I will not fight or try to bargain with him as I have heard people do somw times. For I shall die as I have and continue to live...alone. Current Mood: depressed